


you're my spirit

by secretreaction



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-14
Updated: 2015-02-14
Packaged: 2018-03-12 20:57:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3355040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/secretreaction/pseuds/secretreaction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joonmyun moves into the new apartment to start a living on his own, however nothing ever goes as planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you're my spirit

**Author's Note:**

> warnings: brief mentions of death, some swearing 
> 
> originally posted at capsandpizzas(.)livejournal(.)com, plot based on the_maknae's prompts who this fic is for.
> 
> thanks to G for everything; also to C and T for help whenever I needed it.

 

Joonmyun wipes the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand and pants heavily,  running his fingers through the blonde strands of hair, damp and messy, too wet to fall back onto their previous place. He glances at the boxes situated in the middle of the living room and props his hands on his hips, trying to steady his breath. The feeling of satisfaction from getting the work done makes up for the effort he’s put into carrying them all the way from his car (with a little help of the elevator, but it’s not that important). Although he can miss the elevator out, he definitely has to take Chanyeol’s help into account – without him, he still would be struggling with filling his new apartment up with his belongings. He didn’t even mention a need for help when he was talking with him, yet Chanyeol offered to lend him a hand and Joonmyun elatedly accepted. He’s never been known for his strength, which is rather a questionable issue and so he finds Chanyeol and himself going forwards and backwards on the Saturday evening, carrying boxes that seem to multiply when they’re not around.

“It’s the last one,” Chanyeol breathes out as he puts the box in the corner of the room, not so far from the rest of them. “You owe me a big one, I hope you’re aware of that.”

“And here I was, thinking you helped me out of kindness,” Joonmyun pouts and has Chanyeol wincing at him; he knows he is to hear a rant about his face being ugly whenever his expression turns from solemn to something else. “I’ll treat you to dinner next time, so don’t worry about your help being unappreciated.”

“It’s fine, Joonmyun. I’m glad I could do something to help you settle in,” Chanyeol waves him off and intends on giving him a small, gentle smile, coming up with a maniac grin instead. Joonmyun can’t help but let the corners of his mouth go up at the sight - as expected of Chanyeol, he is not familiar with restraint.

“I’ll go and check if we brought everything round, okay?” Joonmyun asks, his heart beating in a steady pace again, almost relaxed.

“Go ahead,” Chanyeol shrugs and he finally gives in to tiredness and sits down, leaning his back against the wall.

Joonmyun walks out of the apartment building and runs to his car across the car park, so as to warm himself up and run away from coldness as fast as possible. Despite it being the mid spring, chilly gusts of wind hit against his exposed skin and bare arms, for he’s wearing a short sleeved shirt. He took off his maroon hoodie back in the apartment. He figures out that it can’t have gotten colder than it was when he was carrying the boxes upstairs, but he’s proven wrong as he shivers, throwing a glance at the interior of his car. When nothing that would turn out to be useful or particularly necessary shows up, he slams the door shut and quickly runs up to the welcoming warmth of the staircase.

He’s been saving up for this apartment for the past two years and it still wasn’t enough to afford instead of paying a rent, which he’s opted for. Throughout his university years and a few after he graduated, he had been living with Baekhyun in a small apartment in the suburbs and they went halves on bills, as it was much cheaper and beneficial; not only they’d had more money to spend on their needs, but also someone to keep company during evenings spent with an unexplainable, excessive melancholy and loneliness that would’ve become even more sickening if not for the other person being around. As much as both Joonmyun and Baekhyun wouldn’t have minded maintaining their old lifestyle, they’d known they couldn’t carry out like this; they weren’t students anymore and it was expected from them to start a living on their own. Baekhyun had moved out first and Joonmyun followed his suit  few weeks later.

The moment he steps into his apartment, he’s welcomed with a screeching, sharp sound piercing through his skull and wedging it open; as if someone was dragging a box or a piece of furniture across the room, pushing it forward and ignoring the resistance it puts up. He winces as his teeth clench and it takes him a few seconds to overcome that unpleasant feeling and open his mouth to speak.

“Chanyeol!” a shout emerges out of his lips but his voice fails at taking over the noise. “Whatever the fuck you’re doing, just stop that. Are you out of your mind?”

Chanyeol slips his head past the threshold, eyes widened and mouth agape; remnants of the screeches linger about in the air and Joonmyun feels his heart drop down into his stomach.

“I wasn’t doing anything, Joonmyun,” Chanyeol glances at him, startled. His voice is coated with a thick layer of questions as of why Joonmyun is making a fuss. “I haven’t moved an inch after you went outside. What’s up with you?”

“Haven’t you heard that?”

Joonmyun swipes his tongue along his bottom lip and looks away; he’s not that tired to have freaked out a few seconds ago as he’s perfectly conscious and aware of what’s happening around him. At least he _thinks_ he is.

“Heard _what_? I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Upon seeing Chanyeol’s confused and perplexed expression,  Joonmyun realizes he’s not being made fun of as Chanyeol wouldn’t be able to pull off this kind of joke without ruining it in the middle and bursting out laughing. He is, however, completely serious and Joonmyun sees him holding himself back from prying further into the issue, leaving a room for Joonmyun to figure it out. Time is running and there isn’t any reasonable explanation he might come up with so he pretends not to notice the tension that’s built up over the past few minutes and is constantly increasing. He needs to tear it down.

“Forget it,” Joonmyun sighs in defeat and turns around so as not to face Chanyeol right now. He needs to find out what has just happened and he’s not able to do so with Chanyeol staring at him with a mix of suspicion and disbelief. “It must’ve been our neighbors of something. I just… I’m tired. I’ve never suspected moving in to be that exhausting. I feel as if I’d fall asleep anywhere.”

Changing the subject and drawing Chanyeol’s attention to something else is his priority at the moment, and even if Chanyeol notices Joonmyun’s attempts to fool him into believing this lame excuse so as to distract him, he keeps it to himself.

“Good thing we dealt with all the furniture yesterday,” Chanyeol assumes and grabs his leather jacket from the couch and puts it on. “It’s late. I’ve promised Jinri I’ll be back in the evening, so… I guess I’ll get going.”

“Uhm, sure,” Joonmyun coughs and rubs his fingers at the back of his neck, brushing his hair at the same time. He should have it cut in a few days, if he finds enough time to pop round at the hairdresser. “Remember me to her and tell her I apologize for stealing her boyfriend on Saturday.”

“Sure thing,” Chanyeol laughs and he is almost out of the apartment, standing at the doorstep, his loud voice echoing through the empty halls. No one really comes home or gets around the building at this hour. “She doesn’t mind, you know that. Sleep tight and drop me a line in the morning, okay?”

“Go, Chanyeol,” Joonmyun tries to keep a straight face and stifle his laughter, but his attempts fall through and he lets out a chuckle, albeit involuntarily. “I’ll be fine, really.”

Chanyeol looks at him sceptically but Joonmyun shoves him to go, so he turns around and runs down the stairs. Joonmyun shakes his head in amusement on seeing Chanyeol’s childish behavior, but his friend’s always been like this; he hadn’t lost the inner child every person has in themselves until they grow up. Joonmyun isn’t sure whether he kept his or not, as Chanyeol makes it easy to forget his supposed responsibilities.

He locks the door turns the lights off, save for the one in his bedroom. His apartment is pretty much empty beside the furniture he needs to shuffle about anyway and he already feels the hard time he’s going to have while unpacking all the boxes along with setting his oddities and knick-knacks on their respective places. He’s bought plastic containers to fill up with stuff he was too sentimental to throw away but also knew he’d never make use of and he’s going to store it up under his bed – in terms of sorting up everything else, he’ll put in much more effort for sure. He’s in no hurry, though, and so he brings it forward till the next Saturday, despite the fact it could be a good way to take his mind off many things if he opted for doing it this evening. He can’t wipe out the memory of the strange noise he’d been the only one to hear; it should’ve affected Chanyeol as well, but his friend hadn’t even known what he was talking about. What exactly happened this evening? Why is it impossible to come up with a reasonable explanation he’d like to get, just to convince himself that he’s not crazy or anything? He could always pretend it’d never happened, never bring it up again when talking with Chanyeol and if asked, brush it off and say he doesn’t remember any details, it’s nothing.

It’s not the first time when Joonmyun is moving in, but last time it wasn’t that stressful and wearisome and it’d never come to the point of imagining things. None of his friends has ever complained about anything similar, either, and it leaves Joonmyun alone. He decides to keep all of this to himself, because he can’t imagine admitting it to anyone else (Chanyeol doesn’t count.) Although it would do good to him, he’s too distracted to actually get down to any sort of work. He drags his feet across the room, switches the light off and flops on the bed, slipping under the thick comforter. He couldn’t care less about taking his clothes off and taking a bath, despite his skin feeling dirty and itchy.

He squeezes his eyes shut and tries to fall asleep.

 

 

Joonmyun doesn’t sleep well that night, tossing and turning every few minutes even when - according to him - a quiet, almost inaudible sound, tears the silence apart. It doesn’t matter, really, as most people would find such noises useful while falling asleep, focusing on them and eventually crossing the line between consciousness and dreamland. He’s by no means like that and he finds them thrilling, waiting for the another screech to appear. He realizes it’s impossible to choose which is worse – him being crazy or weird noises popping out in his apartment out of nowhere. His thoughts torment him for the rest of the night and he doesn’t sleep a wink; at least not until sunbeams start to creep along the wall and daylight is slowly stretching over the sky, making it impossible for anything to find shelter in the darkness of the night. It lets him rest and he immediately feels less nervous, more at ease. It’s easier to assume his mind is hazy due to stuff he’s had to deal with over past week, stuffing the signs of his existence into a limited space provided by boxes and leaving the previous apartment with all the formalities settled.

He drops off to sleep around six am and fortunately, his alarm doesn’t go off until eleven.

 

 

Joonmyun finds it difficult to keep his mouth shut and eventually spills everything out on Monday. He meets Jongdae after he gets off work at five and they go to their favorite restaurant which is known for serving the best Italian food in their district. It’s fancy, yes, but Joonmyun wants to celebrate the fact he’s got to grips with his apartment over the weekend and besides, he hasn’t seen Jongdae for a while. His job is pretty boring, unlike Jongdae’s – his friend had always aced essays and written amazing short stories back in high school and it’d bloomed into working on novels, eventually followed by books. He is now a successful, well-known writer who receives flattering reviews about everything he wraps up, and Joonmyun is proud to see this once timid boy getting braver and braver with each brought out piece of truly masterpiece that his prose is.

“You have something on your mind, don’t you?” Jongdae looks up and his gaze meets Joonmyun’s for a moment, before the latter avoids it. “Is it the new place? Having troubles getting used to foreign surroundings?”

“I’m okay,” Joonmyun picks at his pasta and spins it around the fork. Although he’s only ate breakfast today, somehow he doesn’t feel hungry. “I’m glad I’ve moved out, but…”

Joonmyun hesitates for a moment.  Jongdae theoretically shouldn’t laugh it off and tell him not to be stupid, so Joonmyun takes it into account during his short, inner debate whether it’s safe to disclose his worries and unusual weekend _incident_. He doesn’t want another Chanyeol to be pulled at him; he’s perfectly confused all by himself.

“But?” Jongdae never fails at grasping the key-word and nothing slips up unnoticed when he’s around. It isn’t exactly convenient sometimes, as Jongdae never lets anyone get away until he’s given the information he demands.

“Promise not to laugh,” Joonmyun feels like a teenage girl confessing something embarrassing to her best friend, despite being a man in his mid-twenties who’s already forgotten how it’s like to be in high school. Jongdae chuckles and makes Joonmyun groan. “Whatever. I heard a loud, piercing screech on Saturday, and… Suppose someone was trying to split your head in half with a drill. I thought it was Chanyeol at first, moving the furniture and boxes around, but he said he hadn’t heard anything. Isn’t it weird?”

Jongdae’s face is impossible to figure out as he listens to Joonmyun in full concentration, but his eyebrows furrow when Joonmyun mentions the strange noise. Joonmyun tries not to look at him as he’s speaking, afraid of losing the point and what is Jongdae’s opinion about that, even though he knows he won’t be judged and made fun of, because if he were to be, Jongdae would’ve already had the laugh of his life. Having lived with Baekhyun for so long, he tends to forget that not all of his friends don’t take him seriously most of the time and won’t scold him for talking nonsense.

“Well,” Jongdae speaks up and licks his bottom lip, lost in thoughts. “It’s indeed weird, but maybe your mind just… made it up? I don’t know, you’ve been worn out lately, so…”

“Of course,” Joonmyun sighs in defeat and lays the fork on the table. He’s completely lost his appetite; has he really expected Jongdae, expected _anyone_ , to believe him? Were he put in Jongdae’s place, would his reaction be different? “I knew you’d say that. Every sane person would.”

“It’s not that I think you’re not sane, Joonmyun. Really,” Jongdae tries sheepishly. Jongdae’s a writer after all, so he shouldn’t have any difficulty in putting his thoughts into words, but even his profession isn’t enough to save him from the struggle everyone stumbles upon. “Do you have any idea what it could’ve been? Neighbors, wind whistling through the windows?”

“I have,” Joonmyun admits warily. It sounds stupid as he thinks about his suspicions, but he’s already made a fool of himself in front of Jongdae, so why bother to keep it? “Do you believe in ghosts?”

“You know I don’t,” Jongdae replies firmly. It’s enough for Joonmyun to see that Jongdae won’t be helpful this time, as he immediately denied his presumption without realizing it. “Do you?”

“No,” Joonmyun shakes his head. “It’s just crossed my mind, that’s all. I probably shouldn’t dwell on it and get to grips with myself.”

“First of all, you should hang out with us more,” Jongdae points at Joonmyun with his fork, a small cherry tomato stuck to it. “We haven’t seen each other for so long and I’m actually surprised we’ve managed to go out today. It could be you getting lonely, don’t you think? You’re always tied up at work, it results in less contact with people which eventually may lead into…”

“That’s enough,” Joonmyun cuts off. He’s rather amused as he’s sure what Jongdae would say if he didn’t stop him. “It isn’t one of your books and I’m not getting crazy. You’re supposed to work on your current novel instead of starting out a new one with me as a main character.”

“It’s almost finished, but I won’t let you read it unless we bring it out.” 

“I didn’t expect you to say otherwise,” Joonmyun laughs and Jongdae joins him, his laughter much more merrier and louder than Joonmyun’s would ever be. Jongdae isn’t usually that loud, but when he’s in a good mood, he opts out of trying to act mature all the time. 

“Don’t worry about the noise, though,” Jongdae suddenly brings the matter up with seriousness as their outburst dies down. “I know that my advice, or rather a lack of it, didn’t meet up your expectations, but I really have no idea how to deal with it. I told you what I’d assume and do if I were to handle a problem like that.”

“You’re not the one to worry, so let it go and forget I said anything. Let’s not talk about unpleasant and serious things when it’s been so long since we last met up, as you pointed out.”

Joonmyun doesn’t need Jongdae to drag on. It’s already tiring as it is, tormenting himself with thoughts, possibilities and assumptions and, upon seeing Jongdae’s unwillingness to help with figuring it out, he’s given up on looking for someone who’d go through it with him. He spends the rest of the evening on catching up with Jongdae and, somewhere in between of them laughing too loudly for a fancy restaurant they’re in, he manages to switch off and empty his mind. It brings him back to high school, when they would spend their whole free time together wandering around the area with Chanyeol trailing behind them. They didn’t exactly part ways after they’d enrolled in university, but they’d surely grown apart at some point and Joonmyun feels childishly ecstatic that moment, pushing all the concerns away thanks to Jongdae and his cheerful personality.

They call it a night at eight and Joonmyun arrives in his apartment an hour later, held up by the traffic that seems to start dying out before midnight at the earliest. He rummages through his bag and as soon as he unlocks the door and walks into his apartment, he instantly puts the light on. He supposes he should feel at ease at his own house, but the exact opposite occurs as he’s afraid of witnessing something strange again. He knows it’s stupid to act like this, as if lights would save him from anything; he’d been with Chanyeol the first time it happened and although he hopes not to be bothered again, he’s still wary of his surroundings, darting his head to the side whenever he hears an unexpected, sudden noise, even the quietest one. He restrains himself from getting too paranoid but Saturday evening has definitely taken its toll on him and there’s no point in denying it.

Joonmyun changes to more comfortable clothes and heads to the kitchen. He’s still a little cold as he’d made a really wrong choice of wearing a coat definitely too thin to endure the day without harm, not having expected the weather to be this chilly. Shudders run down his body from time to time and he winces, even when he pours the water into the kettle and puts it on the stove. He sits by the kitchen table and props his elbow on the surface, placing his head on his hand and staring blankly at the wall. He decides to fill in the time with listening to his home and trying to get to know it, as it hums to him through the quiet buzz of water and fridge, floor creaking slightly in certain places, wind whistling and slipping past the tiny gaps and window vents. It’s about time he started getting used to this place and got the hang of its peculiar behavior so as to feel comfortably. He is, however, constantly cautious and it turns out to be more difficult than expected to settle in, considering the facts and past events he doesn’t seem to let go of in the near future.

He’s on the edge of dozing off when his attention gets drawn to yet another strange noise, quiet and, this time, blending with everything else and making itself far from easy to notice at first. His brows furrow unconditionally and he diligently listens to the eerie sound, recognizing it as the running water. Did he forget to close the tab after he’d filled the kettle up? The noise is muffled and as he glances at the sink, he finds nothing that would be responsible for raising his insecurity and suspiciousness. He stands up with a heavy sigh and strides towards the living room, switching the light on. It’s undeniably easier to hear what’s been bothering him for the past few minutes and now the evidence is both audible and visible when he’s standing in the middle of the room, bewilderment washing over him upon seeing a long trail of water coming out of the bathroom. There’s no way he’d actually opened the tab and forgotten about doing so, as he perfectly recalls everything he’s done since he met up with Jongdae and got home. No blank spaces in his memory, no questionable situations, either. If it’s not him, then…

“Fuck,” Joonmyun scowls. He’s caught off guard and confused about what should he handle first, put the kettle off the stove or prevent water from damaging his apartment further? He opts for the second option, his craving for the tea being long forgotten at this point, quickly withdrawing to the kitchen. He eventually gets on top of the half of the mess that’s happening right now and he isn’t sure how all of this has even managed to come up in a span of barely few minutes, balancing at the border of going from bad to worse and dying out (Joonmyun finds the latter unlikely to happen, though).  He storms into the bathroom, almost slipping on the wet tiles and closes the tab as quickly as possible, no matter the circumstances he’s come to deal with. He looks at the bath with defeat,  eyeing the water dripping off the edges and trailing down the acrylic walls, eventually reaching the floor. He has no other choice than to dip his arm into the ice cold water and pull out the plug, the liquid slowly disappearing and going down the pipes. At this point he can only hope his neighbors won’t get their ceiling damaged by water leaking from it, as he’s taken over the situation just in time.

He cleans up the mess and sighs heavily, eyes closed and slowly vanishing bits of adrenaline humming in his ears through unsteady heartbeat. There’s no way he’s just imagined all of that and lost himself in the  realistic vision, his mind pulling his leg once again. No one beside him has witnessed it, but now he doesn’t need anyone’s confirmation to his presumptions, because what he’s just experienced is enough to make him believe the statement he’d been almost ready to turn down.

He’s not the only one living in this apartment. Whatever _it_ is, he knows it’s not the end of his troubles.

It’s only the beginning.

 

 

Later on he finds himself calling to Chanyeol and inviting him round, or rather urging him to come over immediately. Chanyeol happens to be free this evening and agrees to devote his time on cheering Joonmyun up instead of making out with Jinri on the couch – that piece of information Joonmyun doesn’t need, but unwillingly gets to know due to his friend’s lack of ability to keep his mouth shut sometimes. He sprawls himself over the armchair and turns the TV on, trying to distract himself and keep his mind off the miniature flood he’d fought with. He’s put all the lights on and put aside the thought of outrageously high electricity bill which he’ll pay if he keeps illuminating the whole apartment like that. He doesn’t give a damn about money and bills right now and it’s the last thing he’s going to pay attention to, because he puts himself and his sanity first and he still naively believes the ghost won’t dare to play tricks on him when the room he’s in is brighter than the daylight.

He’s proven wrong the moment all the lights go off and he ends up swallowed up by the pitch dark.

He’s about to start to panic when Chanyeol emerges into his apartment without knocking, hollering a greeting to him and calling his name loudly so as to get him out of the room. Joonmyun’s shivering, dread eating him up as though he was afraid of the ghost catching him on his way and taking a step further by doing an actual harm to him and his body, instead of simply making his life a misery.

He hears Chanyeol trying to switch the light on, to no avail.

“Have they cut off the electricity, hm? Haven’t you paid the bill in time?” Chanyeol jokes and giggles, earning a  glare from Joonmyun. “What’s with the sad face of yours?”

“I’ve had a blackout,” Joonmyun sighs and leads Chanyeol to the kitchen. “I’m sure you remember what happened on Saturday, right?”

“How could I forget,” Chanyeol slumps down on the chair and folds his arms so as not to start picking at the flower Joonmyun has put on the table to liven the room up. “ _Screams_ and noises, of course.”

“Jongdae at least held himself back from making fun of me,” Joonmyun sighs as he rummages through the cabinet and pulls the candles out. He lights them up before he carries on. “No one’s going to come and fix it today, as it’s too late to expect anyone not to be off duty. It’s just… Chanyeol, I swear, I’m not making it up and pulling a prank on everyone. I’m not living alone in this apartment and I’ve already had my bathroom flooded today. I only moved in on Saturday but three strange incidents have already turned up and…”

“Okay, okay, before you break down,” Chanyeol interrupts  and has Joonmyun frozen in an attempt to drag on. “Are you sure there are no holes in your memory? Maybe all of that was caused by you and you simply don’t remember, pushing it out of your mind? Have you been to a doctor recently?”

“I’m sane, Chanyeol,” Joonmyun grunts and buries his face in his hands. His eyes start to itch; he’s tired, but he can’t force himself to drop off, let alone sleep peacefully because of whatever it is that he’s gotten himself mixed up with. “I’ve never been the one with a vivid imagination and you know that.”

“It’s not vivid imagination we’re talking about,” Chanyeol is clearly amused and he shakes his head, making Joonmyun feel even worse. “You should cut back on horror movies.”

“Horror movies I don’t watch.”

“Then I don’t get why it’s the second time in a few days when I see you freaking out,” Chanyeol admits and Joonmyun is getting desperate to knock some sense into Chanyeol and open his eyes for things impossible to explain using logic alone. If his friend were to experience all these things himself, he wouldn’t be so reluctant to believe that Joonmyun lives under the same roof with a tremendously bored creature who’s been mocking him for the past few days. He doesn’t know what he let himself in for, moving in a house with an additional occupant in a form of ghost that keeps  turning his life into a cheap, b-class horror of some sort.

“You don’t have to understand, I’ve already lost my hope,” Joonmyun whines and actually doesn’t care anymore about Chanyeol and his skeptical attitude. “Just… Don’t laugh at me for this, but could you stay at my place tonight? I’ve faced enough strange incidents today and I need someone to keep me sane.”

“Don’t you think it’s… too late for that?” Chanyeol says in fake hesitance and Joonmyun punches his arm, making Chanyeol laugh heartily. Despite being slightly offended by Chanyeol’s snarky jokes, he unwillingly acknowledges his gratitude for his friend’s specific sense of humor. Weren’t it for Chanyeol, he wouldn’t be able to get rid of the fear and tension he’d managed to build up.

“I’d suggest watching a movie, but…” the moment Joonmyun tries to go along with Chanyeol’s jokes, the light bulb above them starts to flicker abruptly and both of them fall silent, watching the scene warily. It takes a few seconds for electricity to work again as the lights in his apartment automatically switch on, Chanyeol and Joonmyun exchanging questioning looks.

“No ‘buts’ now, it seems,” Chanyeol says casually and stands up, stretching his arms above his head. His joints crack and Joonmyun’s lips curve in a grimace; he hates when Chanyeol does that, no matter whether it’s on purpose or by accident.

Joonmyun is left with no other choice than to nod and follow Chanyeol to the living room, his friend already setting up the movie. Joonmyun didn’t make it difficult to find his CDs and DVDs, having left them arranged neatly in a small, black box he’d bought when he first moved in with Baekhyun. He knows he should’ve forgotten about his old habits and start everything from scratch, but he finds himself too attached to the past and unable to get rid of certain ways he’s set in.

They switch off the lights, despite Joonmyun’s protests, and flop down on the couch. As comforting as Chanyeol’s presence is, Joonmyun can’t focus on the movie at all. It turns out to be harder than expected to stop thinking about the ghost, his friends’ disbelief and the fact they didn’t even bother to give him the tiniest benefit of doubt. Apart from feeling slightly distressed about the whole situation, he is, first of all, really disappointed. He isn’t going to open up and express his true emotions, though, keen on avoiding further embarrassment. He’s had enough of it already and now, as he’s slowly getting a grip, he regrets acting on the spur of the moment and calling Chanyeol without thinking twice, in spite of it being the first fairly reasonable thought he’d come up with. Chanyeol had already witnessed Joonmyun’s moment of weakness once and he never intended on making it happen again, but… Well, these days Joonmyun isn’t the one having the upper hand in controlling his own life, which is funny and pitiful at the same time.

Chanyeol insists on sleeping on the couch, but Joonmyun dismisses him and sends him to his bedroom instead. He changes the sheets and takes the spare ones for himself, settling himself in the living room. He is still accommodated to presence of another person sleeping nearby and he takes no notice of Chanyeol’s loud breathing and occasional snores, trying to find solace in them instead. Chanyeol is here with him, and if the ghost decides to haunt him again, at least he won’t have to deal with it all by himself. Despite feeling bitter about his inconsiderate actions earlier, now he has almost no regrets as he falls asleep quietly and peacefully, for the first time since he’s moved in.

He can only hope that from now on all of his nights will look like this.

 

 

The following days after Chanyeol had spent the night at Joonmyun’s place are eerily quiet and that’s how he pulls off the first two weeks in his new apartment. Joonmyun is suspicious, though, and finds it hard to believe that the ghost has miraculously decided to let go and leave him alone, in spite of no strange accidents and slightly frightening atmosphere he would feel every time when arriving home. He can’t say he isn’t satisfied with how things have turned out and when Jongdae calls him on Saturday evening, he gladly tells him how his problem has stopped to loom large in his mind.

“Do you think Chanyeol had scared the ghost for good with his loud laughter?” Jongdae says over the phone and Joonmyun chuckles. “If there really was a ghost in the first place.”

“Does it matter, now?” Joonmyun tucks the phone between his ear and his shoulder, sitting on the bed and folding his clothes. He’s never been the one to do housework, but he’d learned to bring himself into doing things he hates without voicing out his complaints.”As long as nothing out of ordinary pops out, then I don’t really want to get bogged down again.”

“You don’t have to lie to me, you know,” Jongdae doesn’t let Joonmyun draw his attention from the matter and how much he actually cares.

“You’d better tell me how’s your writing going along,” Joonmyun thinks it’s funny how no one wanted to listen to him when he really needed it, and now there are suddenly so many people to look to. “My life isn’t that interesting. Your deadline is near, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” Jongdae sighs heavily. “The way Jongin is looking at me these days makes me doubt I’ll get away with an extension this time. He’s calling almost everyday to check up on me. He seems harmless, but don’t fall for it.”

“Shouldn’t you get down to writing instead of talking to me, then?” he lets out a small laugh as Jongdae groans at him, proving his assumptions right.

“Let’s not talk about writing, now. I’ve pulled off a whole chapter today,” Jongdae says. His voice is always weary when he’s about to meet the deadline in a short time. “I love to write, but sometimes… It gives me a hard time, too.”

“That’s how love is,” Joonmyun laughs. “Some people have to deal with regular nine to five job, so be grateful you can sleep and work whenever you want.”

“Not really,” Jongdae is probably shrugging while saying this; Joonmyun’s known him long enough to catch his habits. “At least not now.”

“And whose fault is it?” Joonmyun is almost finished with folding his clothes, piled up on his bed in rectangular heap. “Don’t be too hard at it. We’d been rushed off our feet in the office when I was moving in and-“

He snaps out of focus when a loud thump of doors slamming shut cuts him halfway the sentence.

“Joonmyun?”

“Wait,” Joonmyun says, cautiously looking around. He believes the reason to be a draught, but what would it arise from if the windows in his bedroom are closed? Neither does he recall to have opened them somewhere else, as it’s still too early to air the apartment and he’s had the heating on ever since he moved in. He doesn’t like cold and protects himself from facing it as much as he can.

He emerges out of the bedroom and finds the windows wide open, inviting the chilly air inside. To his surprise, nothing had fallen off the shelves, even the tiniest and most fragile things; it’s actually surprising because he’d expected the room to be a disaster the moment he heard the door closing abruptly.

“Is everything okay?” Jongdae asks after a while and Joonmyun realizes he’s been silent all along. He closes the windows and shakes his head; he hadn’t heard about any upcoming windstorms and he was not only taken aback because of the draught, but also felt this familiar uneasiness he’d acquainted himself with when the ghost was making his life particularly eventful. Could it have been…?

 “No,” Joonmyun says, though he succeeds in getting rid of the force threatening to turn his apartment upside down. He steals a glance of the neighborhood. Leaves on the trees are completely still. “Draught burst out of nowhere and I’ve just handled it.”

“I wouldn’t be so eager to blame everything on a pure accident,” a chuckle in unfamiliar, smooth voice definitely doesn’t belong to Jongdae. Joonmyun freezes in his spot. “I’ve done my bit, don’t you think?”

If he thought he’d been frightened when the draught had turned up, he was wrong, _really_ wrong, as the hysterical fear creeps up his spine and leaves him speechless. He’d jump out of his skin if he wasn’t afraid to move, much less turn around, but Jongdae is waiting for his reply and there’s _someone_ standing behind him, someone whose voice he’s never heard before and, though it’s the least important in this situation, the voice he finds oddly appealing, as dreading as it is at the moment.  

“I’ll drop you a line later, Jongdae,” Joonmyun utters and doesn’t even wait for Jongdae to reply, cancelling the call immediately. He bites on his bottom lip hard enough to feel the taste of blood on his tongue; a lump in his throat makes it impossible to swallow and he blankly stares ahead. He has no clue what he’s supposed to do in a situation like this, when a stranger turns up in your apartment and all that you know is that this person’s intentions are unpredictable.

“Why are you so scared?” the stranger asks, mockery spilling out of his lips as if it's the only way of speaking he knows. It may be, though; Joonmyun doesn’t know this man, but he seems to be recognized by him and it doesn't make that unexpected appearance any less terrifying. “I won’t hurt you.”

“And how am I supposed to know that?” Joonmyun is actually shocked with his coherent reply. "I  didn’t leave the door open, so there was no way for you to come in without me noticing.”

“Turn around, for god’s sake,” Joonmyun doesn't like to be snapped at, but the stranger is probably losing his temper and patience. “How long do you intend on talking to the window?”

He has a point and Joonmyun involuntarily agrees with him; he won't be able to drag this conversation any longer if he doesn't pluck up the courage to face his unusual guest. He has to choose between confronting the stranger and jumping out of the window, because he can't really come up with any other way to escape and this idea isn't exactly appealing, so he clenches his fists and squeezes his eyes shut, before he takes a step back and turns around .

There's a man standing in front of him and from what Joonmyun can see at the first, tentative glance, his visitor is slightly smaller than him, a matter of four centimeters at most. His fringe falls on his forehead and partly covers his wide, mischievous eyes. Joonmyun's gaze then stops at the man's lips, the most alluring ones he's ever seen, and slowly goes down his fragile body. He doesn't seem as scary as Joonmyun has imagined him, but he manages to keep few things in his mind, despite being under a not so tenuous spell cast by the man, intimidating yet enticing. Firstly, he hasn't asked how the man had made it possible to break into his apartment (Joonmyun doubts he's a thief, though); secondly, what does he have to do with the draught and, most importantly, why the fuck is he translucent?

It's not like he's deprived of colors, consisting of black, white and grey only, because when Joonmyun takes notice of his full lips, their light pink shade also catches his attention. He notes brown hair and dark blue jeans, too, but the colors aren't as vivid as they should be and Joonmyun still can see what's behind the man, as if he was looking through a colored glass.

"Who are you?" he dares to ask, avoiding the man's gaze, although he's aware that he's boldly staring at him. As if he saw a ghost, Jongdae would say.

He probably did see one, but he's not ready to acknowledge it.

"As though you haven't made your guess already," the man replies. Things are getting from bad to worse because, on top of that, his voice is too much for Joonmyun to handle. Weren't he scared as hell, he'd actually appreciate its smoothness and soothing manner. "I'm a ghost, obviously. You can see the back of the room through my body, can't you?"

"I knew I'm not crazy," Joonmyun exclaims enthusiastically and  smiles to himself with satisfaction. Chanyeol and Jongdae will need to agree with him, when he tells them that... Wait. A ghost. "Oh my god."

His cheerful expression falls apart as quickly as it'd showed up and Joonmyun replaces his wide grin with a bewilderment and disbelief, his mouth hanging wide open in spite of him knowing he looks ugly like this. He's been told to control his face many times, but why would the ghost care about such a trivial thing when he'd already seen him in his most embarrassing state? He'd probably witnessed every humiliating thing he'd done, including distressed looks he threw whenever he spotted something suspicious and slight panic attacks he'd have at night.

"I know you aren't the one to ramble, unlike your annoying friend. Chanyeol, was it?" he taps his chin with his pointing finger. Joonmyun almost misses his fake disappointment as he carries on. "But I actually hoped we'd talk longer than that."

"You're a ghost. Fuck, you're a ghost and how are you even alive and why can I see you and talk to you and-"

"Calm down. You don't want to run out of breath, do you? I'm in charge of being dead here," the man chuckles and folds his arms. He leans against the wall and fixes his gaze on Joonmyun. "As I said, I'm not thinking about causing any harm to you, because I would've done it without coming out. I just thought, how about making myself visible to you so that you'd solve the mystery that's been stuck in your head for so long?"

"How generous of you," Joonmyun snorts but a moment after his reckless statement, he reminds himself who he's  talking with and that he shouldn't be so bold. The ghost can change his mind and forget about his peaceful intentions, if he doesn't shut up and play nice. "Umm... Do ghosts have names?"

"You're worse than I expected," he rolls his eyes and Joonmyun realizes he's digging his own grave. One more stupid question and he's done. "Of course we have. I'm Kyungsoo."

"Kyungsoo," Joonmyun repeats, as if checking the taste it leaves on his tongue. So far, there's only unfamiliarity. "I can't believe I'm talking with a dead person. Wow. You're dead but you're here. How come?"

"...because I'm a ghost, obviously. Jumping out of the closet, wandering around the corridors at night and scaring the shit out of people, you know, the usual stuff."

"Do attempts to drown one's apartment and cutting the electricity off count, too?" he's forgotten to bit his tongue again and he's ready to witness the ghost's anger any minute, but there's none. Kyungsoo laughs, instead, and it's as pleasant to listen as his voice. Even better, maybe. "I guess it's an advanced level of your job, isn't it?"

"I've always got my own way," Kyungsoo admits and Joonmyun almost misses the flicker of nostalgia on his face before he quickly regains his composure. "I'd seen people react the same way for too many times and got bored, eventually. They would do pretty much the same things you would see in horrors if you watched them," Kyungsoo winks at him.

"I don’t even want to know what else you’ve eavesdropped,” Joonmyun groans and Kyungsoo laughs at him, again. The way he behaves doesn’t match his appearance at all and Joonmyun is utterly confused. It’s hard to believe Kyungsoo is both the person  laughing in front of him and the one who’s put him into few situations that could have brought him close to hysteria. Well.

Shape of Kyungoo’s lips is even more beautiful when he laughs and Joonmyun can’t take his eyes off him.

Kyungsoo’s surprisingly bright laughter eventually dies down and silence falls between them, bringing the awkwardness along. Joonmyun averts his gaze and tries to avoid looking at Kyungsoo, although he feels exposed and hopeless. He doesn’t know whether he should ask more questions or actually try to approach him and strike up a conversation about god knows what. He’s never been good at chatting _people_ up, let alone ghosts. What are you even supposed to ask them? What do they do in their ridiculous amount of free time, or maybe, how they died? Joonmyun has absolutely no idea at the moment and even if he had wondered what would he ask the ghost if he were to face him, it turns out he’d wasted the time spent on speculations as his mind is void of anything that would make any sense in this situation.  

“What’s this thing you’re thinking so hard about?” Kyungsoo asks curiously and Joonmyun snaps out of his thoughts. He hasn’t forgotten about the additional presence in his apartment, but he’s definitely zoned out.

“There’s no need for you to hide anymore, is there?” He feels tired and he knows that bad night he had isn’t the only reason. He wishes he could live with Baekhyun again, recalling the blissful days they had shared at their small apartment, the nagging old lady living next door being the only reason of concern.  “Now that you’ve revealed yourself, I’ll always know you’re there.”

“You’ve moved out to live on your own, not with another person again,” Kyungsoo points out and Joonmyun must agree with him. He and Baekhyun wouldn’t have parted ways otherwise. “On the other hand, I’ll be here anyway. It’s not like I have nowhere else to go, but… I like your place, you know?”

“Great,” Joonmyun buries his face in his hands. There’s a dull ache in his temples and he thinks he needs a nap. A long one. “That’s great, Kyungsoo. Fantastic.”

“Don’t be mean. It’s going to be fun, trust me.”

“You’ve already acquainted me with your definition of fun and I’m not up for this, thanks.”

“Oh, you mean the warm welcome I’d given you?” Kyungsoo’s face shows pure amusement, as the corner of his lips goes up ( _damn_ , Joonmyun thinks) and he cocks his eyebrows. “It was nothing, really. Don’t underestimate me. I haven’t been a ghost for few years and I’m cut out for more spectacular things. A blackout, draught and the running tab? Joonmyun, _really_?”

“How long have you lived as a ghost, then?” Joonmyun asks. He hopes this fairly innocent question won’t offend Kyungsoo and make him think Joonmyun wants to pry into his business. He doesn’t.

“This isn’t the conversation for today,” Kyungsoo replies. Once again, his expression drastically changes from amusement to something between sadness and thoughtfulness. Kyungsoo isn’t that kind of person you can figure out on the first meeting. “But, so as not to leave your question unanswered, I’ve been living like this over fifty years.”

"Enough to get your head around the whole ghost thing," Joonmyun agrees. He needs to sit down. His head is spinning due to too many informations in one evening, but he can't bring himself to move, not yet trusting the ghost and his words, although they sound fairly sincere. "I need to... I need to sort everything out. It's still... I haven't expected this."

"That's okay," Kyungsoo nods. "Take your time to come around. I would be surprised if you accepted it straight away."

"Right," Joonmyun says sheepishly. He scratches the spot behind his ear, warm and red, probably. "Just... Make yourself at home?"

"Sure," Kyungsoo laughs again. It's weird. It's all so weird Joonmyun can't believe it's really happening.

He withdraws to his bedroom and gently closes the door. He doesn't feel at ease at all; Kyungsoo could just become invisible again and watch him. Joonmyun highly doubts that, but it’s no use when it comes to fighting against the pattern of thoughts he’s followed for so long. He shoves the heap of folded clothes aside and lays on the bed, trying to find solace in closing his eyes and pretending to get away from pieces of thoughts taken out of context, pilling up in his head and never making it into a whole conclusion. He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to think, what he’s supposed to _do_ , and no one will give him a hand even if he swears for his life that he isn’t lying.

Kyungsoo said he’d come around, but Joonmyun isn’t able to believe him, at least not now. When he falls asleep, not even dreams come to soothe him.

 

 

The first few days after his encounter with Kyungsoo, he feels anxiety building up inside his stomach when it's time to get off work and go home, the moment everyone else is waiting for, except for Joonmyun who is never really sure what will greet him the moment he steps into his apartment. It doesn't live up to his expectations of living on his own at all, and now he's no longer by himself. He's really pathetic, to have permitted someone force their presence on him and intrude his personal space. He always excuses himself with "he's a ghost, not much that I can do" thing and it works; it works until he's standing at his doorstep hopelessly, pondering whether he should open the door or make a fool of himself for a few more minutes. Kyungsoo isn't even that bad, cutting him some slack and usually waiting for him in the kitchen, sitting by the table and looking through the window, lost in thoughts. Joonmyun can't deny he's curious what's going on in the ghost's head, but they're yet to go along and he isn't that confident to ask any personal questions yet. When he finally utters a greeting, Kyungsoo would look up at him and smile gently, before giving a reply in voice much more warmer and confident than Joonmyun's. It's as if he was trying to make up for the troubles he'd caused and Joonmyun catches himself of thinking that Kyungsoo may not be that bad, after all, and he doesn't want to harm him, just like he'd said. Joonmyun hadn't believed him, but what was there to blame him for? Things between them are picking up and Joonmyun, no longer able to deny he's drawn to Kyungsoo, finds himself opening up to him as he eats his dinner while he's being chatted up by the ghost, listening to whatever Kyungsoo has to tell him. Sometimes he talks about what he's heard in the TV over the day, but sometimes, he lets his guard down and tells Joonmyun of his life, what it'd looked like before he died. He talks about how much people had changed, but somehow remained the same. Joonmyun doesn't need to ask what he means by that, because he gets his head around his words just fine. He'll never know what it's really like, though, because only someone who's been living as long as Kyungsoo would really get it.

It doesn't take much time for Joonmyun to start appreciating someone waiting for him when he arrives home, but he takes his time to admit it to himself. It's only been a few days, but the anxiety turns into a pleasant warmth accumulating somewhere near his heart as the clock reads five in the evening and Joonmyun can get away from desks, ties wrapped tightly around his co-workers necks and saying the same things all over again, because that's what it looks like everyday. He takes the same route, pulls his car off the road just in time and parks at his usual spot, feeling the familiar weariness that always accompanies him. Moving in and settling himself, along with finding the way how to deal with Kyungsoo, is still taking its toll on him, but he gets better day by day. It's always something thrilling and out of ordinary, to live under the same roof with a ghost who turns out to be quite friendly, in spite of the fact they've started off on the wrong foot. He and Jongdae had had it difficult to strike up a friendship at first, too, so he doesn't worry that much. There's nothing weird in befriending a ghost, after all.

Joonmyun laughs at himself because it is indeed uncommon to associate with the dead, but there's no way out now. He can't say he minds.

 

 

"It had taken you _two weeks_ to call me back, Joonmyun,” Jongdae says, stuffing the food into his mouth. They're sitting in the same restaurant as the last time and Jongdae looks as though he was eating the meat ravioli for the first time in his life. They go out to order it at least once a month, if Joonmyun isn’t too busy. Jongdae’s schedule is pretty flexible. “I was worried sick and you wouldn’t even pick up when I was trying to get through to you.”

“You must’ve been craving for Italian food, I suppose?” Joonmyun laughs. “I’m sorry.”

“If Minseok hadn’t made me stay in until I finish the book, I would’ve paid you a visit,” Jongdae’s face falls when he recalls the terrible time he had had due to his own inconsistency and no one at fault except himself. “Let’s celebrate the fact I’ve managed to drive the publisher up the bent.”

“Stop grinning like that,” Joonmyun chokes on his food on seeing Jongdae’s satisfied smile, as if getting in trouble with your employer was something to be proud of. “I’d rather we celebrated your success. Yet another touching and tear-jerking book by Kim Jongdae, the nation’s beloved author, is about to come out.”

“Don’t make fun of me, at least not until I’m not mad at you anymore.”

“You’re painfully straightforward, even though your writing style shows the exact opposite. You don’t have to emphasize your annoyance every minute,” Joonmyun sighs. Their forks clank against the plates when they aren’t careful and the sound reminds Joonmyun of something Kyungsoo would do to scare him. It’s been two weeks since Kyungsoo started to formally keep him company, if you can call it that. “I’ve been busy and it’s slipped my mind, really. I’d phoned and made you eat with me tonight, though. I’m not that bad as you’re trying to paint me.”

“What has kept you so absorbed? Mind to spill the beans?” Jongdae winks at him. He’s stopped eating and sips his wine, looking expectantly. "So?"

"Work," Joonmyun replies and isn't even surprised when Jongdae groans, clearly unsatisfied with the answer. "What ridiculous ideas have crossed your mind?"

"I thought you went ghost hunting," he smirks and takes Joonmyun aback. "Have the noises stopped? Chanyeol mentioned it'd gotten out of control."

"I've got on top of that," Joonmyun assures. Kyungsoo is the last topic he wants to talk about. "Let's eat. It'll cool down if you don't."

Later that evening, when Jongdae kindly drops him off at the bus stop near his apartment complex, he quickly makes his way up the stairs so as to see Kyungsoo sprawled over the couch, a book in his hand. He's probably noted Joonmyun's arrival, but doesn't make a move to properly acknowledge his presence.

Kyungsoo may be dead, but he acts so much like human.

"I didn't know ghosts liked to read," he says and unbuttons his shirt, taking it off as he goes and grabs the t-shirt hung on the chair. Kyungsoo doesn't spare him a glance.

"It's impossible to haunt without getting bored of it, eventually. We have to fill in the time, so we do the same things people opt for when they have a spare time," Kyungsoo replies, his smooth voice blending with the silence, instead of cutting it in half. He speaks quietly, but audibly enough so there's no need to listen carefully.  It doesn't stop Joonmyun from paying him full attention."I've watched many movies like this."

"What are you reading?" Joonmyun asks and flops down on the couch next to Kyungsoo. Over the past two weeks he'd gotten accustomed to Kyungsoo's presence in general, but he still feels a little weird if he sits a little too close to him, someone who he can't touch, but can see, although Kyungsoo isn't capable of getting less transparent than he's now.

"'Spring Rain', the newest novel by Kim Jongdae, is probably the most anticipated release of the year awaited by many, both the critics and millions of  young people. They  find understanding and empathy along the lines of sentimental dialogues, followed by characters' lives diligently connected with each other, resembling the readers' experiences and reflecting the choices they have to make, with no exception of decisions changing the path of life for good," Kyungsoo reads from the back of the cover, smiling amusingly at the last words. "He signed it for you, too. Interesting. How was the dinner with him?"

"He was close to biting my head off for not calling him earlier," Joonmyun says and turns the tv on, right on the evening news. "How do you like the book?"

"He's talented, but I've wasted enough time for this so-called phenomenon," Kyungsoo closes the book and puts it on the coffee table in front of them. "The plot is ridiculous. Had no one noticed the lack of any depth whatsoever before it was brought out? Jongdae is up for much more than that."

"It's pretty amazing, though. You're really behind the times," Joonmyun laughs, because Kyungsoo's outrage is actually kind of funny. He speaks like child who desperately tries to get someone’s attention, but no one takes them seriously. "Give it a chance and finish reading, at least. I won't tell Jongdae your flattering opinion about his book."

"You should," Kyungsoo grumbles. It's all so domestic, the two of them sitting on the couch and watching television, as if they've known each other for years. "When I was alive, they were publishing books worth reading, the ones you have to go through at school."

"I'm one step closer to figuring out when you were born, then."

"I wouldn't be so sure," Kyungsoo shakes his head. "I've lived through all of this, but I and you are worlds apart when it comes to many things."

If Joonmyun had been told he'd hit it off with a ghost before it actually happened, he would've thought the idea was insane and unlikely to happen. He'd never had any unusual experiences to tell about and lighten the mood up when hanging out with his friends, drinking and spilling the secrets out after getting drunk; neither had he expected to encounter anything alike. Maybe his time to have some fun has finally come, even if he wasn't exactly innocent in college. Who would be, anyway.

"And why is that? It's not like you have no clue about the entertainment, people's lifestyle and customs,” Joonmyun shrugs. They’re airing the final episode of one of recently the most popular dramas this season and he should probably pay attention, because Chanyeol won’t let him get away without talking it over. “You've seen how all of it has been changing and thriving over the years. Shouldn't you get accustomed to it by now?"

"It's not as easy as you think," Kyungsoo says. He closes his eyes as if he was giving in to tiredness, regardless the fact he couldn't tire himself no matter what he'd do. Joonmyun thinks it's another kind of weariness, though. "I've never really lived the way you do since I passed away. Before I settled in your apartment, my life had consisted of pointless wandering around the city and blending with the crowds of people that could never see me.“

“But I can see you,” Joonmyun says. He’s turned the volume down, since he wasn’t even listening in the first place. “It’s the matter of choice, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, something like that,” Kyungsoo chuckles. The TV casts lights on his face and makes it easier to look through it, more inhuman and delicate, as if barely touching the glimmering surface would shatter it. “No chances of talking to anyone, either. Now that I think about it, I was lucky our paths had crossed, because… I’m sure other people wouldn’t have handled it as well as you had.”

“I don’t really think I’d handled it well, but thanks, I guess?” Joonmyun smiles. Kyungsoo isn’t looking at him, as if searching for the right words in the distance. Joonmyun can’t blame him for that.

He’s just like him when it comes to explaining things buried deep down in his mind, where there’s no need to sort them.

“You’d be surprised.”

“Have you ever thought about…” Joonmyun is at loss of words, but at least he has Kyungsoo’s attention, now. It isn’t exactly in favor of him. “Why don’t I show you what the modern world looks like? We could get around Seoul together or take a walk, sometimes, if you only became invisible for other people."

He doesn't know why it even bothers him that much, the underlying sadness in Kyungsoo's voice when he's trying to keep it indifferent, speaking carefully so as not to let it waver. It's hard to read anything from his face, but there's something in his eyes, big and dim, intriguing enough for Joonmyun to fight to see it again. A flicker of life that makes him think it's worth trying.

"It won't work," Kyungsoo says right away, without giving himself a moment to think the offer over. "Imagine how it would look like, as if you were talking to yourself. There aren't any secluded places in this city, are there? Besides... Other ghosts would see and I'd rather avoid confronting them."

“There are other ghosts?” Joonmyun asks. The statement succeeds in drawing his attention from the urge to help Kyungsoo to discover the nuances of modern times that he’s missed, but he doubts Kyungsoo has intended it that way.

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo chuckles at Joonmyun’s frightened face. “It’s so much like you, to think there’s the only one ghost in Seoul. There are more, but they’re hiding.”

“Well, I hope there’s one in Jongdae’s place to creep him out,” Joonmyun mumbles. “Chanyeol could do with a fair share of being haunted, too.”

“You really like Jongdae, don’t you? You seem close,” Kyungsoo hums, glancing at the book lying on the coffee table.

“We have known each other for years,” Joonmyun replies, smiling to the memory of their high school days. “He’s never let me down, not even once, and it makes me forgive him and Chanyeol for making fun of me a little too often than necessary, but sometimes… “

“You don’t need to tell me if you don’t want to,” Kyungsoo assures. He shifts in his seat and unfolds his arms, placing one of his hands on the couch, close to Joonmyun’s thigh, as if he wanted to touch him and add the meaning to his words. “It’s not that I have any experience in friendships, much less a relationship. I’ve forgotten how to deal with people, to be honest.”

“You must’ve had someone in the past, back when you were still…” Joonmyun bites his lower lip. It’s hard to figure out when to stop so as not to cross the line between them, because the last thing he wants is to upset Kyungsoo by reminding him about the past he may not want to talk about.

“It’d been a long time ago,” Kyungsoo sighs. Joonmyun isn’t sure whether he’s imagined it, but Kyungsoo looks paler and less transparent, as if waiting for the right moment to disappear, when it’s no longer the safety zone for him. “It doesn’t matter. But, back to the topic, how about watching a few of your favorite movies? I’m not going to go sight-seeing around Seoul with you, but I just thought…”

“Sure,” Joonmyun says enthusiastically, already with a handful of options in mind. If Kyungsoo doesn’t feel comfortable to talk about his life, he’s not going to press. “I own most of the ones I like, so we can do that whenever you feel like it. Maybe you’ll change your opinion about Jongdae’s book after that.”

“There’s nothing wrong in dreams, Joonmyun,” Kyungsoo laughs. Neither of them is willing to keep dwelling on their past, so it’s only fair for them to move on to another topic, less personal. “Your friends will probably drag you out for drinks on Friday, so it’s up to you when our movie night takes place.”

“My company isn’t as appealing as you think,” Joonmyun says, amused. He smoothes the nonexistent folds on his jeans and turns his gaze back to the TV, hardly audible. “Jongdae is going out with Jongin and Minseok, and Chanyeol… Busy with his girlfriend, probably.”

“It’s set, then. Friday, eight in the evening sharp. Don’t be late,” Kyungsoo jokes and attempts to punch Joonmyun’s shoulder, but withdraws his arm halfway through. Joonmyun pretends not to notice his consternation and laughs along, turning the volume up. He’s thankful that Kyungsoo hasn’t asked him anything about his friends, because it’s not that pleasant to talk about them and their lives when they treat him as if he’s never been a part of it, every now and then. Joonmyun would’ve thought it’s difficult to get used to, but he’d never really noticed, not until it’d become the exact opposite of what high school had been like. He feels as though he isn’t in a position to blame anyone, because if there’s actually a person at fault, it’s him.

They exchange barely a few words for the rest of the evening. Joonmyun pretends not to steal glances at Kyungsoo who is once again trying to go through Jongdae’s book. He can’t take over the desire to watch the ghost from the corner of his eye. Kyungsoo’s gaze stays focused all along, constantly moving from each line to the next one as he’s reading. Joonmyun wouldn’t have thought that one day he would find it fascinating to watch someone doing such a tedious thing; Kyungsoo had made his way into Joonmyun’s routine and fitted right in. He didn’t even need to find the spot where the knots weren’t as tight and just slipped in between them, filling the void up.

He goes to sleep later than usual that night but feels inexplicably lighter, too. He wonders whether the small smile Kyungsoo had given him earlier has something to do with it.

 

 

On Friday, Joonmyun gets off work even more elated than he usually is when the weekend starts. He finds it difficult to admit that he’s been thinking about Kyungsoo and their movie night throughout the day, but he finally gives in. He’s excited, yes, and a little curious about the ghost’s opinion of his movie taste. He’s been out of touch with the latest blockbusters and picking his favorite one instead seems like a better idea anyway. He’d watched enough movies with Baekhyun to know his stuff, back when they were still sharing an apartment. They’d found out they’d had the same taste in movies fairly quickly and often ran the risk of flunking out their exams by watching yet another space adventure or pirates conquering the seas. It’d been so different from everything they would’ve had an opportunity to experience.

Joonmyun makes dinner for himself while Kyungsoo is probably wandering around. He no longer gets scared by his sudden appearances but Kyungsoo has been visible for him for the most of the time, even if he refuses to get rid of an habit to startle him whenever he feels like it.

“Let’s see what you got there,” Kyungsoo says from the couch as Joonmyun sets the movie up. “A drama? A sappy romance taken straight out of Jongdae’s books?”

“I still don’t get it why you’re so hard on him,” Joonmyun replies and sits next to Kyungsoo. They sit so close they could touch each other if they only scooted closer, but both of them are aware of the fact it isn’t possible. “Jealous?”

“Of course,” Kyungsoo snorts. “Pirates of the Caribbean? I’d never guess you were into stuff like that. Want to take over the seas?”

“I’m not as boring as you think,” Joonmyun replies. He’s used to people reacting this way when he shows them they shouldn’t  judge a book by its’ cover. You never know what is there to find inside.

“I never said you were boring,” Kyungsoo says casually. “You’re more interesting than you look like, actually. I still haven’t figured you out, though I’ve been here long enough to get to know you.”

“And why is that?” Joonmyun finds it hard to keep his attention on the movie.  He never fails in doing so, no matter how many times he’s watched it.

“Just because,” it isn’t a statement. Kyungsoo ponders for a moment before he carries on, “Just because you never really call your friends first, yet speak of them with such affection. Just because you’ve let me in and I’m not even…”

“It doesn’t matter,” Joonmyun knows what Kyungsoo has meant to say, even though he’s held himself back. “I’m not good with people, so maybe I’ve unconsciously decided to try my luck with the dead, instead?”

“Your sense of humor is awful,” Kyungsoo shakes his head but smiles nonetheless. “I like this movie. It’s different from what I’ve watched before. Sehunnie would’ve enjoyed it, if we’d had movies back then.”

“Who was he to you?” Joonmyun asks and starts eating his dinner. He’s never been a good cook and his skills haven’t picked up significantly throughout the years of living with Baekhyun, who isn’t on good terms with the kitchen himself. Sandwiches aren’t that bad, after all.

“A boyfriend,” Kyungsoo corrects after Joonmyun swallows, so as not to make him choke on his food. Joonmyun is more than surprised that it’s only a few days after they’d carefully avoided the topic of their past when Kyungsoo willingly brings it up again. “He’d always dreamed of travelling around the world, actually. Such a cheerful and bright kid, everyone would say. We’d been stuck in the city and never travelled to anywhere, so we could only laze around, as our parents had thought, and rely on our imagination and knowledge based on the maps we’d managed to find.”

“I’d never guess you swung that way,” Joonmyun laughs as Kyungsoo gives him a glare. He’s playing with his fingers, hands on his knees. Joonmyun knows it all too well, constantly conscious so as not to touch the ghost, although the desire is slowly getting unbearable. It’s difficult not to think about running his fingers through Kyungsoo’s hair and taking his hand in his own, because no matter how hard he’s trying to get him off his mind, it’s all pointless. Everything always comes back at the end of the day.

“That’s what I’d learned when I was alive,” Kyungsoo’s voice is barely audible among the pirates’ screams coming out of the TV. None of them is paying attention to the movie anymore. “To pretend. It’d stuck to me, I guess. No one was supposed to found out about us, me and Sehun. “

“You must’ve been protective of him, because even now I can hear it in your voice,” Joonmyun isn’t jealous, not really. It’s no use clinging to the memories Kyungsoo has decided to share with him and then assume anything from them. “Was he younger than you?”

“By two years,” Kyungsoo nods. “We’d lived in the same neighborhood and known each other since he’d been four. At some point, we had become inseparable and I couldn’t imagine my future without Sehun by my side. We’d planned to get away and live together, and we had almost been there, but…”

“If you aren’t comfortable speaking about this,” Joonmyun says and lays his hand next to Kyungsoo’s thigh, the closest he can get, “then let’s just go back to the movie.”

“I don’t leave things unfinished,” Kyungsoo replies. His fingers trace circles on his dark jeans as he closes his eyes, searching for the right words and sorting his memories in the right order. He isn’t even trying to hide it, but it’s nothing out of ordinary when you’ve lived for so long. People tend to forget many things, especially the ones they’d been hurt by. “Sehun had fallen sick in the winter, a few weeks before my birthday. He’d told me not to worry, but how could I listen to him if I knew he was dying? After he’d passed away, I would sit by his grave for days, only to have my mother drag me to our house for the night.”

“I’m sorry,” Joonmyun turns the volume down so that they can’t grasp a single word, quiet humming in the background as their only company. “It must’ve been hard for you to move on.”

“Except I’d never really had a chance to do so,” Kyungsoo shifts in his seat and pulls his legs on the couch, and then crosses them. “I’d died a month later. I’d thought that Sehun would’ve become a ghost so as to wander around the world, like he’d always wanted. I’d been searching for him long enough, but had never stumbled upon a mere trace of him.”

“So that’s why you’re here with me, now,” Joonmyun says carefully, but tries his best not to look at Kyungsoo. He’s never been good in comforting people using words alone as he’s been afraid of choosing the wrong ones. That’s the only way of comfort available for him so as to make Kyungsoo feel better, though, and it only frustrates him to no end. It wouldn’t have made a difference before, but now all Joonmyun wants is to put his arm around Kyungsoo’s narrow shoulders and feel the warmth of his body he’d once had.

“There’s no way back, it seems,” Kyungsoo agrees. “You should rewind the movie. We’ve missed almost a half of it and there’s no way I’ll catch up.”

 

 

Joonmyun supposes the last time he’s seen all of his friends in one place was probably still in college, a few days after their finals had ended and they’d thrown a huge party at Chanyeol’s place to celebrate their upcoming freedom. He doesn’t remember much of it, though, as he’d definitely drank much more than he should have and forgotten almost everything he’d done that night, save for being too clingy to Jongdae; then his memory goes blank, and there’s nothing more than waking up on the cold, wooden floor the next morning with a throbbing headache and legs tangled with Baekhyun who was making his usual puppy noises, except this time he’d sounded like a drunk puppy. Joonmyun had found him absolutely adorable like this and since he’d gotten used to Baekhyun’s odd sleeping habits, he’d learned to appreciate how harmless Baekhyun is when he’s unconscious.

The next time when he gets to meet all of them happens on Friday, exactly a week after his movie night with Kyungsoo. After  the ghost has told him about his past, their bond has grown even deeper, although they haven’t known each other for that long. It’s weird, Joonmyun thinks, how quickly he’d gotten accustomed to the additional presence in his apartment and started treating Kyungsoo the way he’d treated Baekhyun when he was still living with him. Maybe he hasn’t been cut out to live alone, after all. He’d never really wanted to part ways with Baekhyun, but life had gotten in the way and Joonmyun had been left with no other choice than to accept the way things had turned out.

“Congratulations, Jongdae,” Joonmyun says, patting his friend on the shoulder. He’s wearing a navy blue shirt with sleeves rolled up below his elbows. It suits him. “How was the signing event yesterday? Had many people come?”

“More than I’d expected,” Jongdae smiles. His book was officially released a few days earlier and after the official publishing event took place, Jongdae has decided to gather everyone in one place and celebrate with his circle of friends at the fairly expensive restaurant. “It’s too fancy in there, don’t you think? Minseok made me choose this place and he wouldn’t give in to me when I said none of you fancied this kind of environment, you know. I stood no chance against him.”

“You tend to surround yourself with seemingly harmless people,” Joonmyun laughs and takes a sip of his wine. He’s drinking slowly, not only because he’s never been a wine enthusiast. He wants to make out of this meeting as much as he can. “Take Jongin and Minseok, for example. They look cute and nice, but they’ve tricked you.”

“You’ve forgotten about yourself,” corner of Jongdae’s lips tugs up as Joonmyun gives him a confused look. “Don’t be so surprised. Last time we went to a party together you were the most wasted one.”

“Don’t drag out anything like that,” Chanyeol interrupts as he sits next to Jongdae, a glass of whisky in his hand. “Joonmyun isn’t as entertaining as he used to be. You’re going to offend him.”

“I’ve been busy,” Joonmyun shrugs. Not really at work, but his true reasons aren’t meant to be put out. “So have all of you.”

“You aren’t hanging out with us anymore,” Chanyeol pouts and Jongdae punches him in the shoulder, making him let out a yelp. “But that’s true. I’ll start to think you’re dating someone and you’ve forgotten about us in favor of spending more time with your lady. Is she pretty, at least?”

“Don’t be stupid,” Joonmyun sighs. “I’m not dating anyone. Do I seem to glow in happiness to you?”

“Not really,” Chanyeol agrees. “Hey, Baekhyun! Go over there for a second. You’ve smoked enough cigarettes for tonight and you don’t want to catch a cold, do you?”

Baekhyun is here, too. He’s barely kept in touch with Joonmyun in the past few weeks but it seems like he’s been frequently getting hold of Jongdae and Chanyeol, even though to Joonmyun, they’ve never seemed that close. It could be that the only moment he doesn’t feel left out is when he’s face to face with someone, only the two of them. No one else to catch attention aside from him, then.

“I’m not sure about that yet,” Baekhyun sits down on the chair on Joonmyun’s right, their knees bumping under the table. He props his elbows on the table and stirs his drink with a pink straw. “If I stayed outside a little longer, maybe I’d be forced to call in sick sometime this week. My boss is giving me a hard time these days.”

“Don’t ruin our mood with talking about work,” Chanyeol says. “You’d better tell us what keeps Joonmyun so occupied he has no time to meet up with us.”

“How am I supposed to know?” Baekhyun replies, amused, and glances at Joonmyun. Joonmyun feels his stomach twist and he places his wine back on the table. He’s had enough for today and strangely, his friends don’t make him feel any better. “He’s probably too busy watching movies to bother about you.”

“See,” Joonmyun smiles triumphantly, except he’s nothing like Baekhyun has said. “You can call me up and invite round anytime after six.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Jongdae says. Chanyeol is now too busy chatting with Baekhyun and probably misses Joonmyun’s answer. “I’m going to check up on Jongin, okay? Don’t mind Chanyeol and his ramblings.”

Joonmyun nods and watches Jongdae leave. He’s barely keeping up with his friends’ conversation as they mostly laugh and make no sense in general, filling their glasses up with alcohol every few minutes. There aren’t many people invited that he doesn’t recognize and he’s met the majority of them at least once in his life. Jongdae has always had a few close friends who he’s stuck with and if he ever allowed himself to trust anyone, it was mainly reluctant. Joonmyun knows all too well how it’s like not to want to bother anyone with his problems and Jongdae probably felt the same.  It’s clearly visible he doesn’t mind meeting new people as much as he used to, and Joonmyun suspects it’s due to his job. Even someone like Jongdae would eventually get tired of staying at home and writing for the most of the day so when the promotions of his new book start, his aura automatically gets brighter.

Sometimes, Joonmyun wishes his life was like this so he would have something to look forward to. Instead, there’s static flow of days that are always too long.

He says goodbye to Jongdae around midnight. He’s tried to approach Chanyeol and Baekhyun, too, but they’re at the edge of unconsciousness and they  wouldn’t note his words anyway, busy trying to maintain their talk and groaning every now and then. He manages to catch a cab after a few minutes. The driver tries to chat him up, but quickly gives up the idea as Joonmyun only mumbles his responses, not paying attention to anything except blurred, dark panorama of Seoul, street lamps and occasional lights from apartment buildings scattering the quiet and composed atmosphere of the night. He gets home forty minutes later and when he steps into his apartment, he sees the light in the kitchen switched on, but except for that there’s nothing else.  He slips off his shoes and quietly walks towards the kitchen, taking his coat off as he goes and hanging it on the armchair.

“I didn’t know you’d wait up,” Joonmyun says when he sees Kyungsoo reading by the kitchen table. He’s almost done with Jongdae’s book. “I was planning to stay until two in the morning, at least, but…”

“I was reading anyway,” Kyungsoo shrugs and closes the book. “I’m not going to change my opinion about it, but I’m not saying anything yet. Now, what happened?”

“They’d gotten drunk and it just made no sense for me to sit and watch them mess around,” Joonmyun replies. He fills the kettle with enough water so as to make a tea for himself and puts it on the stove. He’s hungry, so he could do with a late dinner, too. “Chanyeol is even worse when he’s had too much to drink. Don’t try to imagine that.”

“I won’t,” Kyungsoo says.”Why haven’t you drunk with them, then?”

“I didn’t feel like it,” is all Joonmyun says, but as usual, there’s more than that. He could confide in Kyungsoo if he only wanted to, but it’s like his emotions feel the safest kept inside and he forgets what he wants to say the moment anyone asks him to, or even when a possibility of opening up solely crosses his mind. They’re just like him, reluctant to move out of a place they’d settled in. “It wouldn’t make a difference whether I stayed there or went home."

"Hm," Kyungsoo mumbles. He seems oddly distant, as though he was lost in his thoughts, looking for the way back. "Have you enjoyed yourself? Any interesting stories to share with me?"

"It was okay, I guess," Joonmyun puts the kettle off when the water's boiling and then fills the cup with water, brewing  the tea. He knows he shouldn't eat anything so late, but he can't help but take the food out of the fridge and start making sandwiches. He only wonders when he'll get bored of them. "Baekhyun isn't on friendly terms with his boss and he complained a lot, but other than that, we were mostly laughing. They thought I was dating someone, you know."

"Is that so?" Kyungsoo arches his eyebrow. He looks... Amused. Joonmyun had been, too, when he'd heard his friends' ridiculous assumptions. "You're always making me hungry when you eat with me, and it doesn't really matter I don't technically feel hunger nor thirst."

"I'm sorry," Joonmyun says sheepishly as he takes a bite of his sandwich. He doesn't focus on the taste as he knows it too well to be delighted by it. "I told them I'd been busy, that's all. They weren’t that inquisitive, because they quickly moved onto different topic. Much more interesting one."

"You should stop putting yourself down," Kyungsoo gazes at Joonmyun with concern he's not used to see in anyone's eyes as they look at him. Sometimes it's sympathy, sometimes it's nothing, sometimes it's some kind of pity, Joonmyun thinks, but it's been a long time since he's seen a genuine concern and worry. It feels weird, but nice, definitely refreshing as his heartbeat seems to quicken. "Why don't you surround yourself with people who appreciate you? The ones who can cook would be nice, too. You're eating the same thing every day, how do you not get tired of that?"

"I'm used to it so I've stopped paying attention a long time ago," Joonmyun shrugs. There were many things he had to get his head around and getting used to eating sandwiches was nothing compared to everything else. "Do you like to cook?"

"I was pretty good at it," Kyungsoo grins. His smile is beautiful and it makes his face so lively Joonmyun almost forgets he's dead. His lips form a shape of a heart when he smiles, too, and Joonmyun only sometimes wishes he could cover them with his own. "You know what? You're going grocery shopping today. I'll teach you how to cook something special.”

"Which is?" Joonmyun smiles back, although it's more tentative.

"Surprise," Kyungsoo winks. "You'll find out today when you wake up."

"I guess I'll go to sleep, then" Joonmyun stands up and puts the plate in the sink. He's going to wash it in the morning, after breakfast perhaps. "Finish reading Jongdae's book. We won't cook anything if you don't."

"I'm almost done with it," Kyungsoo says. "I'll let you know my opinion in the morning. Should I wake you up?"

"No, it's fine," Joonmyun assures. He knows what Kyungsoo would come up with if he agreed and he'd rather wake up peacefully instead of running to close the tap half awake or something like that. "Good night, Kyungsoo."

His tea is already lukewarm when he goes to his room. He puts it on the bedside table, careful not to spill it and get his papers wet. Taking off the clothes, he feels sleep weighing heavily on his eyelids. He hasn’t realized how tired he actually is, even though it’s difficult to keep track of the time if you enjoy yourself; he should’ve talked to Kyungsoo a little longer, but it’s not like he was going anywhere, is it? A quiet voice in the back of his mind tells him not to take the ghost’s presence for granted, because he’s never mentioned he’ll actually stay, much less promised it, though Joonmyun allows himself to selfishly think of his company as a better option than wandering around.  

It’s scary, he concludes, how quickly he’d come to the point when a mere thought of Kyungsoo leaving him makes his heart sink.

 

 

Turns out Kyungsoo does wake him up anyway. Once again, there are doors slamming shut against the door frame, because Joonmyun never bothers to close them and they’re usually left wide open. Kyungsoo is laughing as Joonmyun groans and buries his face in the pillow, snapped out of his sleep. He’s never going to find out how a marine adventure in his dreams would come out, it seems.

The local supermarket isn’t bustling on a Saturday morning, surprisingly enough. He quickly grabs products Kyungsoo has put down on the list and chucks them into the shopping cart. Most people are still sleeping, probably, Joonmyun thinks while waiting in a small queue consisting of a few elder women. He’s wearing his favorite maroon hoodie, hood pulled over his head and covering his messy strands of hair sticking in every direction. He’s tried to brush them and make them look decent, at least, but his efforts have turned out to be utterly fruitless. Kyungsoo had laughed at him, again, but Joonmyun had taken no notice of the remarks about his hair and the hoodie he’d chosen to put on. Not everyone is a fan of maroon, after all.

“So what are we cooking today, chef?” Joonmyun asks, elbows propped on the table and chin placed on his palms, fingers cupping his face.

“Nothing fancy,” Kyungsoo replies, writing the recipe down in Joonmyun’s notebook. He might make use of it in the future, and besides, Kyungsoo’s handwriting is so neat and elegant he wants to keep it somewhere safe. “Easy but delicious, we’re cooking maejakgwa.”

 “My mom would cook maejakgwa for me when I was a child, ”Joonmyun says. He’s watching Kyungsoo writing diligently, each character nicely curved and legible, unlike Chanyeol’s ones; he’s always had a problem with scribbling, ever since Joonmyun met him. “Jongdae and his editor, Jongin, are crazy about it.”

“You remember many small things about Jongdae,” Kyungsoo points out. There’s no point in denying it, because Joonmyun always keeps in mind everything Jongdae says. It’s the same with Kyungsoo, but he finds it much more harder to admit. “Take a look at it. I’m going to tell you what to do and I’m sure you’ll handle it without my help.”

“I don’t think so,” Joonmyun straightens his back as Kyungsoo hands him the recipe and then reads it carefully. It’s difficult to stay focused when all he wants to do is to examine each character, instead of focusing on the text as a whole. “Let’s start, anyway.”

Kyungsoo hums with satisfaction and watches Joonmyun being on the lookout for the necessary kitchen utensils, his gaze almost burning on Joonmyun’s back. It makes him feel nervous for some reason, the reason he doesn’t exactly want to realize and accept, even though he’d had enough time to get his head around an idea of being attracted to a ghost and wanting to make a good impression on him, no matter the stupid things he’d done before. Kyungsoo seems to think a lot of him, though, and he wouldn’t forgive himself if he ruined it by showing his questionable cooking skills.

“I’m not here to judge you,” there’s a shadow of restrained laughter in Kyungsoo’s voice, as he speaks up suddenly, “but to help you, you know? No need to be nervous around me. I thought we’d gone through this already.”

“That’s not it,” Joonmyun scratches a spot behind his ear and smiles sheepishly. He isn’t exactly lying. “I’ll just get started.”

He puts the ingredients into the bowl and then places it on the table, starting to knead. It doesn’t seem to cooperate at first, but soon after it begins to stick to his fingers, he forms the dough quite easily. His mom had never asked him for help in cooking and baking, as she’d preferred to do everything by herself. Other people around would make her distracted, she’d said when he’d asked her whether she’d needed anyone to give her a hand. He’d always loved anything she made and when she passed away, he knew it would be one of the things about her he’d miss terribly. Her antics, not letting anyone step into the kitchen while she was cooking; a warm smile and pat on the head she would give him when he was starting to eat.

Thinking about the past and his childhood is something he chooses to avoid. Not once has it left him without a wish impossible to come true; if only he could go back to being eight again, when life had been delightfully blissful.

“Enough kneading,” Kyungsoo chuckles. Joonmyun snaps out of his thought and realizes that Kyungsoo has been watching him all along. It’s embarrassing and so he averts his gaze, but he isn’t able to make the chagrin come off his face. “Put it aside and let your hands rest. We need to wait for a half an hour to roll it out.”

“Did you like to bake?” Joonmyun asks. He washes his hands in the sink and gets rid of the dough on his fingers. The water is too cold and he feels as if his palms were about to freeze.

“I used to bake a lot,” Kyungsoo replies and chops the pine nuts. He knows what he’s doing as the knife in his hand moves in a fast precision. “So yes, I liked it. I still do, but it’s been a while since the last time I had an opportunity to enter the kitchen.”

“Your family must’ve been elated to have such a good cook around,” Joonmyun laughs and Kyungsoo shakes his head. He can’t bring himself to take his eyes off the ghost and fortunately, Kyungsoo keeps himself busy with chopping and it lowers a chance of Joonmyun getting caught. “I like watching people in their element. It’s kind of fascinating.”

“I didn’t cook for my family,” Kyungsoo says. “I only baked for Sehun every Saturday and that was it. Most of the times, he would ask me for manju and then help me in making it. Just like I’m helping you now, but he was in charge of more advanced things than chopping. Anyway, it was… It’d never caused any suspicions to raise, although his parents would’ve preferred him to study instead.”

“Aren’t parents always like that, though?”

“You’re right,” Kyungsoo smiles. He’s done with chopping and puts the chopped nuts into a small bowl, “but it’s for the best, isn’t it?”

Joonmyun hums in agreement and glances at the small clock on the kitchen counter. It’s about time he started rolling the dough out so he stands up, pulls it out of the bowl and puts it on the chopping board. It doesn’t take a long time to roll it out thinly enough to start cutting it into small rectangles and make three slits in the middle of each piece. As they work together, changing the rectangular shape of dough into ribbons, the time passes by terribly quickly and they end up throwing the cookies into the boiling oil around three in the evening. It’s already past Joonmyun’s lunchtime and his breakfast was almost nonexistent but somehow he’s forgotten about being hungry as he and Kyungsoo have enjoyed themselves throughout the day. It’s never been particularly difficult to talk to him, save for the first few days after he’d become visible to Joonmyun, but this evening has made Joonmyun think as if they’ve actually known each other for years and been friends all this time. He doesn’t quite recall the last time he’s said that much about himself to anyone; he would withdraw from the conversation when it started to get more personal, daring him to speak up and reveal the thoughts he’d kept to himself and never imagined to speak of.

With Kyungsoo, he’s willing to bring up these thoughts himself, as if the fear of another person getting to know him too well has never crossed his mind.

 

 

“I think it’s turned out good,” Kyungsoo says as he examines the cookies. They’re already out of the oil and set on the medium plate, waiting to be covered with pine nuts and syrup Kyungsoo made while Joonmyun was watching over the cookies so as not to let them burn. “I can smell how they taste like, isn’t it weird?”

“Not at all,” Joonmyun laughs as he puts the first cookie into his mouth. He wouldn’t expect himself to be able to cook anything _this_ good, but it’s probably thanks to Kyungsoo and, in the end, he doesn’t feel that proud. “They’re delicious. You haven’t eaten for so long it’s starting to take its’ toll on you.”

“Being a ghost has more cons than you’d think,” Kyungsoo shrugs as he watches Joonmyun eating. His voice sounds fairly indifferent, but Joonmyun doubts he’s completely okay with it. “Don’t eat everything by yourself and use it as an excuse to invite Jongdae over. He’ll be delighted, trust me.”

“He’s probably too busy,” Joonmyun replies vaguely. He hasn’t spoken to Jongdae since last night and he isn’t planning to do so anytime soon. All his friends are most likely wasted and they’d like to sleep off without being interrupted. “Or still drunk. He’ll get in touch with me in a few days, I guess.”

“If he and the others are reluctant to approach you, maybe it’s your turn to do it first? It never hurts to try.”

“I know,” Joonmyun says. “It’s just… When I’m with them and all of us talk about something, I feel as if they shared a secret between each other while I wasn’t around and they didn’t bother to tell me about it. As if I was the least important amongst them, someone whose presence wouldn’t be noticed at first.”

“Don’t you think they aren’t the only ones at fault?” Kyungsoo fixes his gaze at him and Joonmyun feels the sharpness of it even as he avoids to look at the ghost. He turns his head so as not to face Kyungsoo anymore, but concern and worry hidden in the pale color of his irises have been engraved in Joonmyun’s memory for a while now. “Rarely do I see you calling them in the evenings just to check up on them or ask how was their day, as you don’t necessarily have to invite them round every few days. It looks like you are the one actually trying to push them away.”

“I don’t want them to worry about me and force myself on them, that’s all,” it isn’t the first time he’s used this excuse to get away without admitting he’s partially to blame, too. He doubts it’ll work with Kyungsoo, but it’s impossible to give an outright answer without finding the right words. “I just… It hasn’t been a long time since I started feeling this way, but I’m afraid it’s too late to admit I’ve withdrawn and I suddenly want to make up for the lost time.”

“They will be surprised,” Kyungsoo agrees, “but it won’t matter once they see you’re trying to be as close to them as you used to be.”

 Joonmyun doesn’t feel hungry anymore and somehow he knows it has nothing to do with the cookies he’s just eaten. He thinks about the evenings he’d spent alone and wished to have somebody to keep him company, but found himself hesitant to actually call anyone and ask them to come over. The reason remains unknown to him, but it’s always been his brain telling him not to make anyone burdened as they’re probably too busy with something more important than accompanying him.

He might’ve been wrong all along. He isn’t going to keep anyone if he doesn’t try to confide in them. Bonds are built on trust and how would he gain it if he never allows himself to share a piece of his mind?

“Thank you,” Joonmyun says after a short moment of silence, “not only for the cookies.”

“It’s nothing,” Kyungsoo smiles at him. It’s soft at the first sight but tight around the edges, not giving the permission to set them free. “Put the cookies aside or else you’re going to eat everything.”

Joonmyun laughs and disagrees with Kyungsoo, but eventually obeys and covers the cookies with a kitchen cloth once they’re placed on the counter safe from anyone’s touch, at least not until Joonmyun begins to starve again. He tells Kyungsoo to wait for him in the living room, but the ghost insists to help him cleaning the kitchen up and _accidentally_ opens the tab, splashing the droplets of water on Joonmyun. He would get mad if it was Jongdae who did it, but it’s Kyungsoo and everything is different when it comes to him, so Joonmyun laughs along. He’s about to get his revenge but then he remembers who exactly Kyungsoo is and there’s no need to get upset this evening; no need to get upset at all. He’ll never be able to magically turn Kyungsoo into human again so that he can touch him or even do something stupid like splashing water on him, so he just gives it up.

It doesn’t go unnoticed by Kyungsoo, as much as Joonmyun would like to brush it off. He quickly closes the tab and dries his hands with a kitchen cloth, their laughter no longer bursting through the walls in the apartment. They’ve never brought up the topic of eventual touch and Joonmyun’s been careful not to accidentally brush Kyungsoo’s hand with his own. It didn’t make a difference in the beginning, but considering Joonmyun’s current feelings for Kyungsoo, it’s come to a point of being close to not so sophisticated kind of torture.

Sometimes, simple things hurt the most. You don’t need  to investigate them diligently in order to know their nature, which erases the moment of hope and denial that maybe there’s a way to make it work.

“Well,” Joonmyun utters and it’s so quiet he doubts Kyungsoo’s able to hear him, “have you finished reading Jongdae’s book? You said you were near the end.”

“Not yet,” Kyungsoo replies. They aren’t standing close to each other anymore, Kyungsoo opting for the seat by the window. “I need to finish a few chapters. I haven’t given up on that book yet only because you’ve asked me to.”

“I’m sure you’ll change your opinion once you’re done with it,” Joonmyun tries to smile, but it comes out weak and restrained. He doesn’t want to think when they’re going to break due to the distance they’re obliged to keep just because one of them isn’t human.

“You can lie to yourself as much as you want, but—“

Kyungsoo gets interrupted by Joonmyun’s loud ringtone, his phone vibrating loudly against the wooden surface of the table. Turns out the caller is no other than Baekhyun, his recent selca flashing on a big, almost brand new phone screen without a single scratch. Joonmyun looks at Kyungsoo and their gazes lock for a second before Joonmyun looks away and finally gets the call.

“Open the door, you dumbass,” Baekhyun shouts. Joonmyun can pick up on Chanyeol’s laughter in the background and he’s amazed he hasn’t heard it coming from the halls. “We knocked into your door and we know you’re there, so don’t make us wait any longer.”

“Wait,” Joonmyun says. He only hopes they aren’t pulling a prank on him. They’ve never dropped by just like that. “I’m coming.”

Baekhyun never bothers to bid anyone goodbye and it’s no surprise he ends the call before Joonmyun manages to reply. He’s caught off guard due to this weird coincidence; he and Kyungsoo were talking about them earlier this evening and now… Here they are, showing up out of the blue in front of Joonmyun’s door, as if they were students again and Baekhyun still lived with him.

Except no one really knocked before bursting into one’s place.

“Don’t make your neighbors suffer any longer and just let them in,” Kyungsoo says. “Chanyeol has already shown everyone he’s there.”

“He isn’t that loud once you get used to him,” Joonmyun assures, but then the inevitable question pops out in his mind. “Are you… What are you going to do?”

“Don’t worry about that,” Kyungsoo smiles. The way corners of his lips droop makes Joonmyun think something is off, but there’s no time for any further questions. “Give them cookies if they start to whine. It should shut them up for a while.”

“You’re just…” Joonmyun shakes his head; nevertheless, he smiles back before turning around. He doesn’t wait for Kyungsoo’s reply which never comes, either.

When Joonmyun opens the door, he’s warmly welcomed with Baekhyun telling him off for making them wait for so long. He’s certainly the only one who minds as Jongdae and Chanyeol bicker about something trivial again and drag behind Baekhyun, not really taking notice of the change of surroundings. They immediately hook their arms around Joonmyun’s shoulders once Baekhyun lets go of him and stops crushing his ribs in a tight hug, as if they haven’t seen each other for months and the last time they met wasn’t only the day before. They’re in a suspiciously good mood, considering how quickly they were refilling their glasses with alcohol at the party and Joonmyun starts to wonder what could’ve happened to have made them this energetic  and enthusiastic. It’s hard not to start suspecting anything fishy going around despite Chanyeol’s cheerfulness being nothing out of ordinary.

“I can’t say I was expecting to see you today,” Joonmyun says. They’re nestled in the living room. Baekhyun opts for curling up on the armchair and hugging a huge pillow, meanwhile Jongdae and Chanyeol keep themselves busy with devouring cookies one by one. “I thought you’ll be… much less lively.”

“We enjoyed ourselves yesterday, ” Jongdae agrees, “but the same thing can’t be said about you. I don’t want to dig into the details and I know you’d rather leave it as it is, so I figured we should get to grips with our hangovers and pay you a visit. We haven’t gotten together like this for months and yesterday doesn’t really count. Don’t think I didn’t notice how eager you’d been to go home.”

“I’m sorry,” Joonmyun says. “I should’ve stayed a little longer, but I didn’t feel like drinking.”

“I didn’t, either. They forced me to get drunk with them, you see,” Baekhyun says sleepily and earns a loud scoff from Chanyeol. He doesn’t look like he cares, but he does look as if he was about to fall asleep and Joonmyun wonders where Baekhyun’s sources of exploding energy suddenly disappeared. “These cookies are amazing, by the way. Where do they sell them?”

“Nowhere,” Joonmyun says. He must admit he feels pride slowly building up and warming his heart from the inside. “I’ve made them earlier. I’d been already done with them by the time you called.”

“You?” Chanyeol chokes on his cookie and only does he swallow when Jongdae pats his back. “Who are you and what have you done with Joonmyun? You’ve never said anything about taking interest in cooking.“

“Maejakgwa is easy,” Joonmyun shrugs. A sight of Kyungsoo making the ribbons out of the dough and smiling as brightly as the happiest human on earth would suddenly flicker in front of his eyes, but it’s gone as quickly as it appeared. “I won’t try anything fancy unless I’ve gotten a hang of it.”

“Right,” Chanyeol nods and his focus once again goes to munching on a cookie. “No one wants to set their apartment on fire.”

They end up drinking, much to Joonmyun’s disbelief. Baekhyun forces him to pull out a bottle of wine from the depth of the highest cabinet in the kitchen and turns a deaf ear to Chanyeol teasing him about being tricked into _trying out_ the various types of more or less colorful drinks the day before.  Joonmyun’s never thought of himself as immune to Baekhyun’s whines, at least not enough to turn him down and this evening isn’t an exception as he eventually gives in to his wish. He has nothing except cookies and sandwiches to set on the table and give his guests to eat, but Jongdae convinces him they really don’t mind and they’ll just settle on whatever as long as there’s something to keep their stomachs full. He’s hung out with them long enough to know Jongdae isn’t lying nor saying it out of fake kindness and it makes him feel not as much caught off guard.

They run out of cookies halfway through the second glass but no one seems to notice, much less care about that and they just carry their conversation naturally, filling it with loud outbursts of laughter every now and then. Although reluctantly at first, soon after the knots in his back untie and he sinks down in the armchair, Joonmyun finally allows himself to act freely around his friends and say everything that comes to his mind before thinking it through at least twice. It’s been a long time since he felt this lighthearted, free of concerns and second thoughts about everything, really. His lack of restraint whatsoever is probably caused by all the alcohol he’s drunk, but it doesn’t change the fact how nice it feels to get out of his routine.

As the evening goes along, he takes a mental note to thank Kyungsoo after everyone goes home and there are only the two of them. While he isn’t listening to Chanyeol rambling, he thinks about the ghost. It’s weird, but he actually misses his presence and he’d rather have him around instead of god knows where. His mind seems even more persistent to make his thoughts revolve around Kyungsoo when he’s drunk, as if it wasn’t pushing the ghost’s face into his line of vision literally every dozens of minutes when he’s utterly sober.

“Earth to Joonmyun,” Baekhyun waves a hand in front of his face so as to check whether he’s paying attention to them. “Who you’d rather keep your thoughts on than us?”

“I can’t tell you,” Joonmyun says, a subtle tint of tease present in his voice. He doesn’t slur yet, but if he carries on drinking as fast as he is now, he probably won’t be able to prevent his voice from wavering any longer. “It’s a secret, you know.”

“I knew he was dating someone!” Chanyeol exclaims, jumping in his seat and spilling some wine on the couch. “You can’t back off  now, so you might as well tell us more.”

“I’m not dating anyone,” Joonmyun repeats his words from the night before and lolls his head to the side. He pretends not to notice a stain forming on the couch, not really feeling like worrying about finding a way to make it come off. “This person helped me with cookies today. If only you could meet him and make it out without Chanyeol being strangled, then…”

“Wow,” Chanyeol gasps, “I didn’t expect you to hang out with some shady guy, like, is he holding a grudge against me?”

“Don’t leave us hanging like that and say who it is,” Baekhyun livens up suddenly and his eyes spark with curiosity. “A co-worker? A stranger who you’d bumped into by accident and made friends with, getting so caught up in him you’d forgotten about everyone else?”

“I see you’re bitter, Baekhyun, but let it go,” Joonmyun sighs. He should’ve kept his mouth shut and take over his words in time, but without really intending to, he’s put himself under fire of questions. He supposes it’s the right time to stop as his tongue gets loose and he almost reveals the reason of his latest distraction. “He is… He’s a friend, that’s all. There’s no way for you to meet, though, so don’t get your hopes up.”

“You always keep the best things and people to yourself,” Baekhyun pouts. He’s cute like that, cheeks flushed from all the alcohol, disheveled hair and light glimmering on his lips, as he’s just wet them. “Will you ever share? If we didn’t come over today, we’d never know about cookies. Cookies. Joonmyun, don’t you dare hide something like this from us ever again.”

“Sure,” Joonmyun says with a lazy smile plastered on his face. He starts to feel awfully tired all of sudden. Chanyeol and Jongdae aren’t talking as loud anymore and there’s nothing to stop the tiredness slowly taking him in, but he tries his best not to let his eyelids close and keep his gaze focused on something so as to seem fully conscious of his actions and words.

It turns out to be harder than expected to keep his mouth shut about Kyungsoo, after all. He’s only relieved he’s managed not to spill everything else related to the ghost, Joonmyun’s complicated feelings included. He’s avoided thinking about its’ consequences long enough, not ready to imagine what will happen if he accidentally breathes a word of his odd friendship with a ghost, who was in fact to blame for his sleepless nights and constantly being on edge at some point. Now, as their relationship progressed, he’s rather thankful Kyungsoo had decided to take a first step and approach him, no matter how weird and unusual his ways of showing interest had been. Joonmyun has had enough time to figure out some aspects of Kyungsoo’s personality and antics, considering how long he’s been out of touch, much less able to strike up a friendship with someone who isn’t of his kind and is actually alive without even thinking about wandering around Seoul. He takes a mental note to ask Kyungsoo about that and although he’s enjoying his friends’ company much more than he’d expected, he’d rather see them off to the door and listen to Kyungsoo’s soothing voice telling him about something, even the most pointless and insignificant things.

“Thank you,” Jongdae says when they’ve gotten ready to leave, Baekhyun and Chanyeol already going down the stairs towards the cab they have decided to take. “For letting us stay the evening and… You know. Opening up to us.”

“It’s nothing,” Joonmyun shrugs but he knows it isn’t just _nothing_ ; it’s something he should’ve done a long time ago, but hasn’t yet mustered the courage to do so although he’s undeniably taken a step forward.  “Don’t make them wait for you. They need someone to look for them in their current state.”

“You’re right. See you, Joonmyun,” Jongdae pats him in the shoulder with a small smile and then he’s gone, Joonmyun watching his retreating figure for a moment before he closes the door.

It’s oddly quiet when his friends leave, but Joonmyun doesn’t feel tired anymore and silence stops making him as sleepy as it did minutes ago. He unlocks his phone so as to cast a glance at the clock and immediately locks it afterwards. No messages, no missed calls. It isn’t even that late at night, he concludes, so there’s still plenty of time to clean the living room up and talk with Kyungsoo for a while when he comes back from wherever he’s gone to. He probably shouldn’t feel this excited to tell the ghost about the meeting and how different it’d felt from their gathering just yesterday, but he supposes it’s something Kyungsoo would like to know. He was the one who pushed him to face his fear of feeling rejected and Joonmyun feels kind of obliged to keep him updated.

He’s done with cleaning by the time the clock reads eleven at night. There’s still no sign of Kyungsoo and Joonmyun starts to feel a little jittery, but forces himself to stop exaggerating. It’s not like Kyungsoo told him the exact time he’ll show up so there’s nothing to worry about. At least that’s what he’s trying to talk himself into when he’s nervously keeping one eye on the clock and not really watching the movie he’s opted for in order to fill in the time till Kyungsoo comes home. Home. He doesn’t quite recall the first time he thought of Kyungsoo as a part of his life, as someone whose absence would take its toll on him. It probably shouldn’t, because Kyungsoo is a ghost and it’s basically incomparable with being a mere human who isn’t capable of doing at least half of the things Kyungsoo does on a daily basis. Joonmyun will never be able to bridge this gap between them, not in this lifetime. It’s too depressing to think about dying when you’re only in your mid-twenties.

He doesn’t quite make out the moment he fell asleep; was it after the movie had ended or in the middle of it, when he’d already gotten bored? Sleeping on the couch wasn’t the best idea, even if he didn’t exactly intend to do so. His neck hurts and so does his back, joints creaking as he stretches. It’s already past twelve, he’s wasted definitely too much time and he doesn’t even know whether Kyungsoo came back for the night but didn’t want to wake him up, and therefore disappeared yet again. He calls out his name, but the only response he gets is silence and it only makes him feel worse. The last thing he wants is to jump into conclusions, but he isn’t able to put off worrying any longer although he tries his best to keep himself busy with everything he was supposed to do, but never found a moment to. He pulls the day off doing laundry, cleaning up the whole apartment inside out and watering the plants he’s forgotten about. It isn’t enough to calm him down, much less let him forget about Kyungsoo and prevent from wondering about his whereabouts and the reason of such long disappearance he’s never seen coming.

 It takes the sleep off his eyelids and Joonmyun involuntarily remembers how it’s like to lay hopelessly in his bed, waiting for the morning to come because there’s no hope for anything else.

 

 

Monday isn’t any better and so are the following days, work keeping Joonmyun tied up. He’s snowed under with papers he has to painstakingly go through, not allowing any distractions to mess up with his responsibilities. He’s actually glad there’s so much to do that he doesn’t even have a moment to stop and think about his own problems, caught up in the usual office rush. He gets worse when he’s left all on his own with nothing to draw attention from his personal life and there’s no way out from facing things he’s losing sleep over. Driving home isn’t as pleasant anymore as it’s become a long journey of bottled up hope, nerves and what ifs; what if it’s different today and Kyungsoo will finally appear, ask about work and watch Joonmyun eat dinner, complaining how much he’d actually like to be human for one day and dine out with him. It’s never like this, though, Joonmyun stepping into the dark, quiet apartment everyday with no traces of anyone else apart from him. He doesn’t know what he’d done wrong and he’s gone through their last conversation enough times to almost learn it by heart by now, but his attempts to find the fault in himself are utterly in vain. If he had even the slightest idea what could’ve upset Kyungsoo so much he’d left, then it would be easier for him to figure out where he’d made a mistake and try to find a way to fix it. Was it him mentioning them making cookies on Saturday? Or, maybe, Baekhyun’s disappointment when he vaguely admitted he’d been worried about Joonmyun and them growing apart? It could be anything, really, and Joonmyun feels lost. The worst part is that he has to deal with it all by himself and he’s never been good with people and, as it turns out, it might as well refer to ghosts, too.

Baekhyun drags him out of his cave on Friday night. He tries to opt out of meeting with his friends by presenting a list of fairly reasonable excuses, but Baekhyun knows him too well and doesn’t even pretend to listen. No one would buy any of his lies, not even Chanyeol and it probably means Joonmyun’s gotten so obvious everyone’s already noticed something is off. He’s tried many things to get his mind off Kyungsoo, but each time he fails miserably and it has been only six days since he last spoke to the ghost. These six days, to Joonmyun, felt like eternity.

“Is everything okay, Joonmyun?” Baekhyun asks. Chanyeol and Jongdae haven’t arrived yet and it’s only him and Joonmyun sitting by the table in the corner of a dim, crowded bar, throngs of people constantly going in and out. “You seem off lately. I may not be the best advisor, but if it’s a secret, I’ll make sure it goes in one ear and out the other.”

“I appreciate your concern, but it’s nothing you should stress yourself out about,” Joonmyun tries to put the most convincing smile he’s able to in his current mood, but he doubts it comes out as sure as he wants it to be. “I’m just busy at work. You know how it’s like.”

“I think it’s… Something else,” Baekhyun weighs in. He traces his finger along the rim of his glass, half filled with whisky, ice clanking quietly against the walls when he accidentally moves it aside. He doesn’t look Joonmyun in the eye. It’s convenient and Joonmyun is tense. “Someone else.”

“What are you talking about?” Joonmyun lets it out sharper than he intends as he clenches his fists under the table. He feels heat growing up on his cheeks as if he was caught red handed, and yet it was only a mere _suggestion_ from Baekhyun and that’s how he responded. “It’s work, really.I'm sorry."

"I'm worried about you," Baekhyun immediately backs off and it’s so unlike him Joonmyun is genuinely surprised. He must be pitied, he thinks, because Baekhyun would never leave such a thing as it is, prying till he gets out what he wants. He is, however, unusually cautious around Joonmyun. "That's all. I figured I should... Pay more attention to you. I guess it isn't the right moment then." 

"I shouldn't have bitten your head off like that," Joonmyun rubs his temples. He wants to go home and his vision has gotten blurry all of sudden that he doesn't even make out Baekhyun's face as it swims in front of his eyes. "I'm stressed out. Let's just drink, should we?" 

"Sure," Baekhyun says and empties his glass in one go. He makes a face afterwards and Joonmyun laughs halfheartedly, his mind wandering off to somewhere else and trying to figure out the place Kyungsoo has gone to. He may as well follow him wherever he goes and simply stay invisible, but Joonmyun doubts he'd be able to pull off a week of being around without a single word, not even giving a slightest hint that he's present.

 Because he isn't, maybe. Maybe he left Joonmyun for good, got tired of him, found Sehun or whatever reason Joonmyun has tried to come up with in order to get his head around everything that's happened over this week. He’d rather get to know the truth even if he isn’t hoping for any satisfying nor happy outcome anymore, because then he’d be forced to move on with no excuse of holding back. Now, he’s stuck in the past and the world isn’t willing to stop and wait for him, leaving him behind and he doesn’t want that, not when he’s just started trying to make things work.

He’s tipsy by the time Chanyeol and Jongdae arrive at the bar and so it isn’t possible for them to notice Joonmyun’s out of it; they get to drink with them right after they make themselves comfortable on the seats by the wall, Jongdae a little squished in between Joonmyun and Chanyeol. It isn’t easy to switch off, not even under the significant influence of alcohol and Chanyeol’s lame jokes everyone laughs to anyway, but eventually Joonmyun manages to stop thinking about Kyungsoo and blocks out everything apart from what’s happening at the moment. He’s getting tired of this, tired of himself, and there’s no way to get out of it.

He should have regrets, he supposes. He should blame himself for getting close to the ghost and letting him into his life, not to mention taking his presence for granted. How silly of him, expecting someone who isn’t bond to anything nor kept close within any particular restrictions, to stay with him and choose a boring life limited to conversations and occasional movie nights?

Going back to the past, back to when he was set to choose a new apartment, isn’t something he wishes for, though. He wishes for Kyungsoo to come back, wishes for his _friend_ to get in touch with him, because Joonmyun misses him terribly but all he can do is to sit and wait for something that may never happen.

 

 

It’s been over a month since Joonmyun last saw Kyungsoo and his helplessness has driven him up the wall so many times he’s already lost count. He’d tried to occupy his mind with everything that could’ve supposedly gotten Kyungsoo off it, but the uncomfortable topic would eventually come back to him at the end of the day, making all of his efforts look as if they’d been pointless. Joonmyun had quickly gotten tired of this, tired of himself and his inability to let go. He’d promised himself to handle the situation on his own, just as he’d started off the friendship with Kyungsoo, utterly keeping it as a secret. Both Baekhyun and Jongdae would ask whether everything’s okay every time they met, but Joonmyun kept insisting he was perfectly fine and there was no need to worry, putting his work at fault for him feeling under the weather. He’d repeated it enough times to partially convince himself it’d been true, even though he’d been proved wrong equally as often.

Joonmyun feels oddly uneasy when he comes home that evening although he’s diligently followed his routine, as usual. The silence welcoming him is by no means eerie, instead it’s so common he’s already used to it, but there’s just something wrong and Joonmyun has absolutely no idea why he feels like escaping all of sudden. He doesn’t want to be there, but he must suck it up. No need to make a scene out of nothing, not only because he’s just gotten off work and really wants to get some rest.

He doesn’t want to get his hopes up and stifles the quiet voice in the back of his mind.

It isn’t until he drinks his tea when the strange atmosphere becomes unbearable and hard to ignore, weighing on his back and shoulders, slowly circling its arms around Joonmyun’s neck. He sighs and places the cup on the table, slightly too sharp movement making the tea spill out. It just isn’t his day, he decides, recalling the small mistakes he’d done here and there throughout the day, mistakes he wouldn’t usually do.  He closes his eyes and rubs his temples so as to soothe the line between his furrowed eyebrows. After a while it works, but when he opens his eyes, all of this is turns out to be completely pointless. His brain must be fooling with him, because what he’s just seen is impossible to be real.

“I’m dreaming, aren’t I,” he says to himself, shaking his head. There’s no way he’s really facing Kyungsoo, as transparent as he’s never seen him before. “Tired. Joonmyun, you’re tired.”

“That’s true,” Kyungsoo speaks up quietly, “you haven’t been sleeping well lately. You really should take a few days off.”

“Will it make a difference if I do as I’ve started seeing you in my dreams, too?” Joonmyun asks. He refuses to look at Kyungsoo, no matter if he’s imagining him or not, because it brings all the pain back and he didn’t put so much effort to move on for nothing.

“As oblivious as when we first met,” Kyungsoo chuckles but it doesn’t quite sound happy; it’s a mix of amusement and nostalgia, something so much like Kyungsoo it’s threatening as it could mean he is really sitting in front of Joonmyun. “It isn’t a dream. I’m as real as I can be, as real as you know me. Look at me, will you?”

“What are you doing here?” Joonmyun raises his gaze tentatively, fear almost stopping him from doing so. He felt safe, thinking it was only a dream, but as the chances of Kyungsoo being real go up, the dread is slowly starting to eat him up. “Why now?”

“I…” Kyungsoo’s tongue slowly traces along his bottom lip when he’s no longer biting it. “I’m here to explain why I suddenly disappeared that Saturday, because as much as I tried to convince himself not to come, I knew I owed you an explanation. An apologize would do, too, I guess.”

“You shouldn’t have come,” Joonmyun hasn’t yet mustered the courage to look Kyungsoo in the eye, looking everywhere but not at his face; Kyungsoo’s hands are clasped around Joonmyun’s cup, the spilled tea not yet cleaned up. It’s to Joonmyun’s favor, something to focus his gaze on, meanwhile Kyungsoo’s one is burning holes in his body. “I’ve missed you so fucking much, you just… You have no idea what I’ve gone through, do you? Every single day I was trying to find the reason you’d left, but I just couldn’t understand. I still don’t.”

He’d thought that if he voiced out his feelings and let Kyungsoo know about them, the heavy weight in his chest would drop off and leave him for good; it starts to ache and burn instead, as if saying it out loud started the fire out all over again. It should be difficult to let out each word, but it comes surprisingly smoothly to him, every syllable slipping out of his lips before he knows it.

“It was never your fault. If ever, you should blame everything on me, because I shouldn’t have shown myself to you that day and let us become friends,” Kyungsoo says. It hurts, Joonmyun’s heart clenching at the words of pure regret and guilt, as if their friendship had never been supposed to happen. Joonmyun has always wanted more, but how could he ever ask for it if things between them are like _this_? “I’m sorry.”

“Did I ever mean anything to you?” Joonmyun whispers. He isn’t able to avert his gaze anymore and finally locks it with Kyungsoo’s eyes, as wide and clear as he’d remembered. “I thought you’d gotten tired of me, tired of living here and dealing with my problems you probably thought of as stupid and irrelevant.”

“You meant more than you were supposed to,” Kyungsoo says so quietly Joonmyun almost doesn’t make it out, his heart skipping a beat. “You still do. I didn’t want to hurt you, but it was impossible for me to stay. I’m a ghost, after all. How can I use a human like that? How long can I keep him locked in his own apartment so that he doesn’t feel like going out anymore just because he wants to spend more time with me, someone who’s practically dead? Have you ever put yourself in my shoes, Joonmyun?”

Sure, Joonmyun has tried to put himself in Kyungsoo’s place, although he’s never thought about it the way Kyungsoo had, apparently, because his words leave him puzzled and unpleasantly surprised. His mouth goes dry, but it doesn’t really matter when he has a chance to get the answers he’s sought for.

“Not even once I’ve felt trapped by you,” Joonmyun replies. His shoulders are a bit slouched as he’s playing with his fingers, elbows rested on the table. Unconsciously or not, he knows he’s trying to convince Kyungsoo to come back. “You don’t realize how much I’d been happy to have had someone who kept me company and always listened to what I had to say, not making me feel left out.”

“Everyone noticed how much you’d changed since we became friends,” Kyungsoo grits his teeth, his voice unusually rough and unwelcoming, as if he was trying to turn Joonmyun against him. “I heard what they’d said about you, that you’d become aloof and withdrawn, not even keeping in touch with them.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Joonmyun doesn’t intend to sound desperate, but he wants to prove Kyungsoo wrong and have him back in the apartment, because as much as he’s tried to stop the weak ray of hope from growing, it’s already too late. “It was my choice not to contact them and you’d never brought it up, either, not until that one evening we cooked. Why did you suddenly start to care?”

“Don’t make it look as if I didn’t care before, because I did,” Kyungsoo says, even louder than before, and there’s this sharpness and determination in his eyes that makes Joonmyun want to fight back. “As I said, I cared more than I should. I was scared and it just wasn’t right to hold you back from living and meeting other people.”

“And that’s why you thought it was okay to leave just like that?” Joonmyun shouts. It comes out abrupt and startling even to him. “We could’ve had this conversation back then and though it wouldn’t have hurt any less, at least I would’ve known. Is it really too much to ask for? A fucking explanation?”

“I’m explaining it to you now, but you’re not even listening! Do you really think I didn’t notice how much you wanted to touch me, but knew you couldn’t?” Kyungsoo shouts back and has Joonmyun frozen in his spot, because Kyungsoo hadn’t been supposed to find out. Not now, not ever. “Did a mere thought of me wanting to touch you, too, ever cross your mind? It was equally as hard and exhausting for me as it was for you, yet you aren’t the one dead here and there’s a big chance for you to find someone who you’ll fall in love with, meanwhile I…”

“I’m…” Joonmyun’s out of words, trying to process what Kyungsoo just said as fast as he can, but it’s all messy and tangled he knows he’ll have to save it for later. “There’s no chance of you staying with me, is there?”

He’s almost sure of what the answer will be, but he needs to hear it so as to finally have it gotten across.

“You know what I’m going to say,” Kyungsoo smiles sadly and suddenly all the anger is gone, leaving a room for something much less flaming and bold, blending with the air heavy from the words that should’ve been said a long time ago. “I can’t stay, but I promise I’ll drop by from time to time.”

“What are you going to do? Stay hidden in there or wander around?" Joonmyun asks. He doesn't let disappointment take over his words and actions, even if it isn't easy to ask these questions so casually. His voice wavers, but there's nothing more he can do, really.

"I'll stay in Seoul, probably, but I haven't decided yet. I don't need to settle down anywhere, you know."

"Right," Joonmyun admits. He scratches the back of his neck, just below the line of hair cut a little too short, making attempts in avoiding the awkward atmosphere they're surrounded by. Just like their first days were, sheepish replies and too much tension to handle for one person.

“How are your friends doing?” Kyungsoo breaks the silence and snaps Joonmyun out of his thoughts. “I’ve been with you most of the time, but never really kept up with them.”

“They’re good,” Joonmyun picks on the hem of his sleeve, steadying his gaze on the loose threads he meticulously pulls out. “Chanyeol is loud, as always. Jongdae is up to writing his next book and Baekhyun tells him to slow down, because all of us know how Jongdae’s like when he’s lost in his own world. Nothing has really changed, but at the same time… Everything is different.”

“Better?” Kyungsoo asks inquisitively, looking straight into Joonmyun’s eyes.

“Better,” Joonmyun nods and lets his lips curl into a soft smile. Despite everything that’s happened since Kyungsoo left, it’s better. Not much, but. “Thank you.”

Kyungsoo smiles back and somehow it feels warmer than Joonmyun has remembered, even though he knows it’s probably one of the last smiles he’ll get from Kyungsoo in the next few weeks or months. He isn’t in a position to complain, as he thinks about it, because Kyungsoo didn’t say they’ll never see each other again. He didn’t exactly specify how often their meetings will be, but it’s still something to look forward to, an unexpected and fairly satisfying outcome. Kyungsoo has never been his to keep in the first place, but no matter how many times he repeats these words in his mind, they just don’t seem to sink in.

They talk for the rest of the evening and let themselves fall into their old routine for the last time, sprawled over the couch and mindlessly watching dramas, not really paying attention to what’s going on in the currently aired episode. They’re simply too engrossed in the conversation to care about anything else. Joonmyun pushes the thought of upcoming “see you again” to the back of his mind and tries his best to enjoy the remaining time with Kyungsoo as a part of his life. He isn’t anymore, but pretending is easy. Joonmyun had badly missed such evenings.

He’s going to miss them even more, now when Kyungsoo has finally told him to take care of himself and his friends and then disappeared. Joonmyun stares ahead, gaze fixed on the spot where Kyungsoo has been just a moment ago. His mind is blank and he feels numb, as though his emotions have been suddenly switched off and he didn’t need them anymore. He stays like this for a few minutes before he snaps out of it and remembers the reason of why Kyungsoo isn’t here with him anymore. Certainly not for him moping and withdrawing from his friends and the world once again, just as he’s learnt how to embrace it.

Joonmyun shakes his head before he takes a deep breath, fishes the phone out of the pocket of his jeans and dials the number.

Baekhyun picks up almost immediately.

“Baekhyun, do you want to come over?”

 

 

Summer is awful. At least it is to Joonmyun, because Chanyeol and Baekhyun find strange delight in definitely too intense heat that usually settles down in Seoul for the rest of the summer and it’s only the beginning of July. Jongdae is rather on Joonmyun’s side, and he, too, has the air-conditioning turned on almost all the time, save for nights when it’s finally a little colder. Joonmyun should be happy with his working hours, as the walls of his office protect him from the most intensive sunbeams, but actually it’s the exact opposite. He no longer gets to spend that much time in his apartment, though, since his friends drag him outside whenever they have a chance and it makes up for the time he has to devote to his long-winded work.

It’s Saturday and Joonmyun has a day off, which means he’s going to meet with Jongdae and Baekhyun by the Han river so as to laze around the area and lay on the soft grass. He hasn’t told anyone about Kyungsoo and he isn’t planning to do so, at least not in the near future. It isn’t as painful anymore, not as much as it had been, because Kyungsoo occasionally drops by and opens the tab in the bathroom or freaks Joonmyun out by moving the furniture around.

Joonmyun always laughs it off, used to the ghost’s weird ways of showing affection. It isn’t any different today, when the door to Joonmyun’s bedroom suddenly slams shut and warm, summer wind sneaks into the apartment through the open window. Joonmyun closes it with a smile tugging on the corners of his lips before the wind whistles for the last time and then, once again, it’s gone.

He knows it will come back and that one day it might even bring Kyungsoo along.


End file.
